|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"AKon 2005 Rules"|
- Church (Voice only)
Fade in to Grif and Simmons.
Simmons: Hi boys and girls and welcome to A-Kon 2005.
Grif: Welcome to A-Kon? "A" con? Have we given up on specifics and we're giving out generic introductions now?
Simmons: No, That's a name. A-Kon. The A stands for anime.
Grif: Ohhh. See I thought that this was gonna be some generic template we can use were ever we went. Like "Hi everybody and welcome to this years thing that we're having at that place featuring those people.
Simmons: That is hands down the stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Grif: Hey, I didn't make up the name man. And I think it's a little rude that you insulted our hosts like that.
Simmons: You know what, I hate you.
Grif: We're suppose to cover some rules to tell you a bunch of stuff your not allowed to do.
Simmons: Call me crazy, but I think that we can all agree that rules make for more enjoyable experience when dealing with large groups.
Grif: I never agreed to that,
Simmons: Grif, do you want to go to the Con or not? Okay, rule number 1; no weapons. Just to be clear here, a gun is a weapon, a knife is a weapon, unn basically if it can kill someone don't bring it to the Con.
Grif: Dude you can kill someone with just about anything. like a refrigerator.
Simmons: Alright, then don't bring your refrigerator to the convention.
Grif: Yeah but what if it's only a replica? You know like a replica of a sword or a refrigerator?
Simmons: A replica of something that can kill people, can still kill people.
Grif: What about-
Simmons: Look it's a simple rule, don't bring anything dangerous. No duplicate machine guns, no replica battle axes, no clones of Hitler, nothing.
Grif: Fine, rule number 2; don't neglect personal hygiene, as we all know the human body is a disgusting thing and yours is no different.
Simmons: A stinky person by them self is bad. But when large groups of them get together, the compounding stink factor is exponential. It's a perfect logorific progression.
Grif: If you go three full days without a shower or deodorant, we will consider your body a weapon in violation of rule number 1, and you will be removed.
Simmons: Rule number 3; please remember to drink responsively. We all know that if enough stinky people break rule number 2, and you can't kill them because of rule number 1, well then your gonna want to drink yourself into oblivion.
Grif: That's what I would do.
Simmons: But that's not a solution, especially if your a minor.
Grif: Yeah if your a minor, maybe your should just walk out of the convention right now, go try out for sports or something. Seriously it's not too late for you.
Simmons: Yeah I don't think that's a good solution either.
Grif: Or learn to play guitar. That's what I would do. And before anyone asks, no a mandolin does not count as a guitar.
Simmons: Okay now your just being rude.
Grif: Come on man, how many girls did because of your encyclopedic knowledge of Full metal panic.
Simmons: More than one.
Grif: I mean non imaginary girls.
Simmons: Okay less than one but that doesn't mean that minors should drink.
Grif: I don't know man. I think that if they're old enough to be in the army, they should be old enough to drink.
Simmons: Then go sign up for the Army. They have a recruiting booth in the dealers room.
Grif: They do? Oh, I thought those guys were cosplaying splinter cell.
Simmons: Dear god your a dumbass.
Grif: Speaking of the dealers room that brings us to rule number 4; no pets in the dealers room.
Simmons: That means, No cats, no dogs, no iguanas. no sumatran rat monkeys, no familiars. Familiar is just nerdy way of saying pet.
Grif: Well, what about people dressed as animals?
Simmons: While I don't condone that, there's no rule against it.
Grif: And since we're on the subject of costumes, we ask that no one make signs unless they're part of your outfit.
Simmons: Yeah and we appreciate that you don't have any money, but no one else does either. Don't make a sign begging for spare change it's not funny.
Grif: Yeah, leave the panhandling to the professionals in the dealers room you armatures just make it look bad.
Simmons: The rest of the rules are simple; just don't do anything you wouldn't do anywhere else.
Grif: Don't break stuff.
Simmons: Don't use drugs.
Grif: Don't forget to visit the Red vs Blue table.
Simmons: I think that we can all agree that these rules are for everyone to benefit and that we can all have a good time at this years event in this place.
Grif: And don't forget to bathe. And when your done bathing, take a bath. And when your done taking a bath, take a shower. Pretend it's like D&D. The dirt is Tiamat, you've got to slay the dragon. Level up to cleanliness.
Church: (off screen) Stop rambling jackass, video's over.