|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"A Real Fixer Upper"|
|Airdate||July 15, 2013|
A Real Fixer Upper is the fifth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 11 and the 230th episode overall. It aired on July 15th, 2013.
As Washington begins work on the communications dish Tucker contemplates why the group haven't been found yet, further comparing the scale of their spaceship crash to a regular plane crash. Tucker then explains that the ship's GPS, Galactic Positioning System, would have also informed command of their crash, but Wash questions his knowledge of this. It is soon revealed that when the teams were aboard the ship, one of the operators on the ship explained that if the ship did crash, the GPS would immediately inform command about their situation. Unfortunately, Tucker ignored this and attempted to make a move with the ship's pilot, but caused an alarm to set off.
Afterwards, Wash soon loses his soldering iron and believes the Reds are responsible, which makes him more aggravated. As Tucker tries to calm him down, Wash expresses his concern of something watching them and reluctantly agrees with Tucker's belief: the teams should have been found much earlier. Meanwhile, Caboose is seen talking to an unknown being, specifying it as "a little guy" and states that they will become best friends.
At Red base, Sarge constructs a robot while Grif and Simmons discuss the subject of robot domination. There conversation is ended as Sarge completes his construction of Red team's new robot: Lopez 2.0. Unfortunately, Lopez 2.0 introduces himself through speaking Spanish, which greatly angers Grif and Simmons. Sarge, on the other hand, welcomes the Spanish speaking robot and sees his speech as a delightful coincidence, reminding him of the good old days. However, Sarge quickly orders Lopez 2.0 to begin repairs on the communications tower. Lopez 2.0 asks Sarge for confirmation, but Sarge and the other Reds do not understand him and conclude that he is simply stupid. Lopez 2.0 attempts to reassure them, but nonetheless, the Reds take Lopez 2.0 straight to the communications tower.
Fade in, revealing Tucker and Wash working on the comm tower.
Tucker: I'm just sayin' I feel like somebody should have found us by now.
Tucker: You know, it's like if a plane crashes and disappears that's fine, civilians, whatever.
Washington: Not sure if I agree with you on that.
Tucker: But this was a fucking spaceship. That's like national tragedy level important.
Washington: It was a big ship.
Tucker: And what about GPS? The Galactic Positioning System should have been able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday.
Washington: How... do you know that?
Cut to inside the spaceship, before the crash
Spaceship Operator: The Galactic Positioning System would be able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday, so even the ship were to crash rescue would be practically immediate. Isn't it that rad?
Tucker: Cool, nerd stuff. Hey, is it just me or is that blonde over there checking me out?
Spaceship Operator: Who? The pilot?
Tucker: Yeah she's definitely checking me out.
Tucker walks over to the pilot
Spaceship Operator: Wait! You can't go over there!
Tucker: Hey baby, I hear you're a pilot. Think you could pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow.
Alarms and red lights go off. Cut back to the canyon
Tucker: I read it in a book?
Washington: I don't believe you. (returns to work on the comm tower) Then again, I don't really care.
Washington: (straightening up again) Hey.
Tucker: Oh-oh what? Nothing.
Washington: What happened to my soldering iron?
Tucker: Ooh I don't know.
Washington: Dammit. This would be going so much faster if I didn't have to keep tracking down equipment evey five minutes.
Tucker: What, you think the Reds took it?
Wash cocks a shotgun and imitates Sarge
Washington: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire at our walls! That'll fix it.
Washington: Yes, I think the Reds took it.
Tucker: Man, why are you so wound up all the time?
Washington: Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.
Tucker: What's worse than death?
Washington: I don't know. I just thought it sounded dramatic.
Tucker: Come on, it's not that bad. I mean, if we were back in Blood Gulch, we'd be doing the exact same shit, you know.
Washington: There's just something about this place. I can't help but feel like we're being watched.
Tucker: Oh please. People get that feeling all the time. I had it for years.
Washington: But that's because you were being watched! You were monitored by a secret organization for every second of every day.
Tucker: Well, I don't feel like I'm being watched now.
Washington: Thank you. I feel much more secure.
Tucker: Don't be a dick.
Washington: Then don't be an idiot.
Tucker: The fuck is your problem?
Washington: My problem is that you're absolutely right. Somebody should've found us by now. Now where the hell is that goddamn soddering iron?
Cut to Caboose crouched in the dark
Caboose: Boy you're lucky I came by. What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?
The sound of something cracking happens
Caboose: Hey... no moving. Have to get you out of here first. Don't worry... we're gonna be best friends.
Cut to the Reds
Simmons: You're an idiot.
Grif: Am I Simmons, or am I just a man who's willing to ask the hard questions?
Simmons: You're definitely an idiot.
Sarge: You're both idiots. Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.
Sarge is working on the robot
Grif: Terminator, The Matrix, Battlestar Galactica, everything points to robot domination of the human race!
Simmons: Well technically some Cylons relied more on synthetic biology and not conventional robotics, but that was only in the series reboot. And you know those are pretty rare.
Grif: Fine, then Wall-E. It doesn't matter. I just think it's strange that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords.
Simmons: I'm a cyborg, you wanna bow down to me?
Simmons: (robotic voice) Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.
Grif: You are the biggest fucking nerd. You know that right, I mean you really know that?
Simmons: (robotic voice) You must construct additional pylons. Rrr-wrr-rrr
Sarge: Well Optimus Prime's knuckle, I think we're in business.
The robot stands up straight
Sarge: Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.
Simmons: Can it, talk?
Robot: (silence) Hola. [Hello.]
Simmons: You've got to be kidding!
Grif: Oh come on!
Sarge: Huh. That is an unfortunate coincidence.
Grif: Spanish. Why is it fucking Spanish? Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?
Robot: Lo siento. ¿Mi elección de idioma no les complace? Mi configuración de sistema están actualmente configuradas a Español. [I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.]
Sarge: Heh heh, you know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot, and a couple of complete idiots.
Simmons: You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?
Grif: Thanks dickhead.
Sarge: Lopez Dos-Point-O, it's good to have you aboard.
Lopez 2.0: Gracias, maestro. Es mi deber--[Thank you, master. It's my duty to--]
Sarge: Now get to work, slacker!
Lopez 2.0: ¿Perdóneme?[Excuse me?]
Sarge: Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.
Grif: It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.
Lopez 2.0: Suena como si usted tiene algún equipo que requiere reparación.¿Es eso correcto?[It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?]
Sarge: Hm. He's not doing anything.
Grif: Maybe he's stupid.
Sarge: Robot! Do you, understand, us? Comprehende?
Lopez 2.0: Sí.
Simmons: Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.
Lopez 2.0: Les puedo asegurar. Estoy funcionando a un nivel sobre promedio--[I can assure you I am performing at an above average--
Sarge: Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.
Grif: Why? He's a moron.
Sarge: Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rainman-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.
Lopez 2.0: Haré mi mejor esfuerzo para servirles.[I will do my best to serve you.]
Simmons: Hh, what a shame.
- It is revealed that Tucker may have been partially responsible for crashing the spaceship, because he distracted the pilot by flirting with her.
- Simmons telling Grif "You must construct additional pylons." is a reference to the game Starcraft.
- When talking about possible language choices for Lopez 2.0, Grif mentions Sangheili as one of the languages, which is the species name for Covenant Elites.