A Time for Hammers is the thirteenth episode of Red vs. Blue: The Shisno Paradox. It aired on July 8th, 2018 for FIRST members and July 15th, 2018 for the general public. It is the 337th episode overall.
Characters
Reds and Blues
Cosmic Powers
Agents of Chrovos
Interstellar Daily
- Jax Jonez (Mentioned only)
Blues and Reds
- Loco (Mentioned only)
Plot
Atlus reveals that the Cosmic Powers were created by Chrovos and enslaved them for a huge project of galactic proportions, although he admits he doesn't know exactly what the project is. The Cosmic Powers later rebelled against their master and Chrovos sent Titans to stop them, all of which were either killed or imprisoned. Burnstorm constructed a prison-like labyrinth which functions like a never-ending treadmill where it's prisoners walk forward for eternity and sealed Chrovos inside. After this explanation, Sarge realizes they are the ones who granted Grif a sword and asks for one of his own, leading most of the other Reds and Blues to ask for one as well. Atlus begrudgingly gives them all one except Tucker and Grif because they already have one, Carolina because she didn't want one and Caboose who asks for Genkins Golf Club instead. Washington asks if they can cure a massive headache he has, but Atlus says their powers can only be used externally and not internally. Simmons interrupts and says he has realized what the Cosmic Powers really are, he says that Chrovos created them to pose as gods to manipulate other races to do his bidding, and the firewall protecting the Reds and Blues is a safety mechanism to keep his AI's in check. Kalirama tells Huggins and Muggins to leave the meeting before she confirms this and they all briefly show their true forms as Monitors.
Atlus continues his story, explaining that in the present Chrovos was weak but not powerless, he influenced a human (Loco) to create a Time Machine and the momentary leak in time gave him enough power to pull someone gullible and stupid enough (Donut) to believe him to the past in the era he was most powerful, where he would then give him Time-Portal Guns to alter the timeline and ruin time itself. With everything the Reds and Blues have done throughout history, they have wrecked time to the brink of collapse. Kalirama tells them the only hope left is for the Reds and Blues to travel to Chrovos' labyrinth, fight their way through its guardians and use a special hammer Burnstorm created to reinforce Chrovos' bindings and prevent his escape. After this explanation, Atlus confiscates all their swords except Tucker and Grif's (and Caboose's golf club because Atlus thinks letting him have it is funny).
Atlus teleports the Reds and Blues with the hammer to a private room so they can make their decision on whether to undertake this near-impossible task. Simmons and Tucker consider using time travel to stop themselves from time-travelling but Washington steps up and gives a speech about how the Reds and Blues used time travel for selfish reasons to relieve guilt, right wrongs or otherwise fix mistakes when the right thing to better yourselves now and not dwell on the mistakes of the past and learn and grow from this. The group decides to go through with taking down chrovos but Carolina finally speaks up and tells Wash he isn't coming because he is on the DL (Disabled List). Wash denies this at first but then Carolina explains to him that he has Cerebral Hypoxia from his shot to the neck, causing his brain to be starved of oxygen for several minutes. Washington lashes out and starts yelling at the other Reds and Blues and continually asks if they knew, to which they reply no. Carolina says that she kept it a secret from everyone else and she didn't want to tell him because she didn't want to upset him. Washington ignores her and storms off while they sadly look on. Donut steals the Hammer and leaves through a time portal and thanks them for making his betrayal easier on him mentally, referring to their insults about him being stupid, gullible and worthless.
Transcript
The episode begins with a black screen, small ball of light can be seen in the distance
ATLUS: Without time, there is no beginning. So there was nothing before "the word"
The Reds and Blues can all be heard groaning
Scene cuts back to starseeds with the Cosmic Powers and Reds and Blues facing each other.
ATLUS: What?
SISTER: "In the beginning was the word?" If you bring out a guitar, I'm done.
ATLUS: The word became complicated, expanded, unfolded and birthed the first of the primal forces of our father, Chrovos. He who could control time
GRIF: [Groan] Do we really need all of this?
ATLUS: Chrovos set himself on a great undertaking, a project of galactic proportions. He created the Cosmic Powers and enslaved us to do his bidding.
SIMMONS: What project could possibly be so big?
ATLUS: Some things are beyond even our infinite wisdom. We only know our small part in the grand design.
CAROLINA: So, Where are the titans now?
ATLUS: We rebelled against our masters, many were lost but the titans were deposed. Killed, banished or imprisoned.
BURNSTORM: I constructed a labyrinth inside this black hole. At its core sits a prison: a treadmil.
GENKINS: I convinced Chrovos to give it a spin, he got stuck!
GRIF: Whoa Whoa, he's walking forwards forever, but in one spot?
ATLUS: Exactly
GRIF: Alright Satan
SARGE: Alright let me get this straight, you dirty so-and-so's are responsible for upsetting the balance of power in the entire universe?
ATLUS: Yes but Chrovos was....
SARGE: [Interrupting Atlus] I'm not talking about that! Why's Grif got a sword?
GRIF: Because I'm so [Activates sword] cleaver!
SARGE: Give me one
KALIRAMA: [Audibly annoyed] Here we go again.
ATLUS: [sighs] Who else wants one?
All the Reds and Blues except Tucker, Grif, Caboose and Carolina can all be heard chanting. Washington, Sister, Sarge, Simmons, Lopez and Donut are all granted swords resembling Grif's except for Donut who's sword is dark green.
LOPEZ: Glacis (Thank You)
CAROLINA: I'm actually proud of you Caboose
CABOOSE: [Looks at Genkins who is carrying his Golf Club] I want that Golf Club
GENKINS: [Panicked] No! No! No!
ATLUS: Fine
Caboose is given Genkins Golf Club
CABOOSE: Glad to join the ball game
SISTER: Club, Caboose. You should've said club.
CABOOSE: I prefer BLT but any of those are good, you know sandwiches
WASHINGTON: Can I make a request? [Steps forward towards Atlus] I'm putting a brave face on but I have a suicide headache, can you fix that?
ATLUS: We can summon up some advil? Something stronger?
WASHINGTON: Or... some of that god magic?
ATLUS: Ok ok. [Groans] We were created in part to alter the minds of younger races but never directly. Our powers can only be used on the outside, as external forces. It is a limitation brought upon us by our maker and one of the many reasons we saw fit to end his reign.
WASHINGTON: In that case, Advil is fine.
ATLUS: [Clears throat] Anywho...
SIMMONS: No wait! That's it. I finally know what you are
ATLUS: Ok, but I already said "anywho."
SIMMONS: All this time I've been hung up on Religion, on Aliens, but you "Gods," you are actually something else
KALIRAMA: We are what we say we are.
SIMMONS: Chrovos created you to help him, he programmed you to pose as gods to manipulate younger races. It's theatrics, your appearance, some sort of subjected holo-projected matrix
ATLUS: [Audibly flustered] Whoa, de-definitely not! you are, like, way off there.
SIMMONS: This firewall against Chrovos, a safety he built to keep his Ai's in check.
WASHINGTON: These are Ai's?
KALIRAMA: Huggins, Muggins. Leave.
Huggins and Muggins can be heard flying away
KALIRAMA: They have earned it.
ATLUS: Very well
KALIRAMA: We have no choice but to trust you with this secret.
The camera does a sweeping shot behind Sister, as it passes her back it blocks the view of the Cosmic Powers. When the camera passes and the Cosmic Powers are visible again, their appearance is different and is now the form of Monitors, Each Identical except in eye colour. Atlus eye is yellow, Kalirama's is purple, Genkins is Green, Burnstorm is Orange. The camera continues to sweep across the Monitor form of the Cosmic Powers as they continue speaking.
ATLUS: No mystery, no magic. Just a mathematical palindrome filled with radiation and sadness.
As the camera continues to sweep, it passes Tucker's back once again blocking the view of the Cosmic Powers. When they are visible again, they have all reverted back to their previous appearance. Once they are all back into view, the camera reverts back to the usual shot-reverse shot angles for the continuing conversation.
GENKINS: Hey Kids, I'm a computer!
ATLUS: Now that you know the truth, may we proceed?
SIMMONS: Oh, of course
GRIF: Nice work buddy
SIMMONS: Science is good for something after all!
ATLUS: In the present, Chrovos is weak but not powerless. Through dreams and inspiration he influenced a human to build a machine, a time machine. This leak in time for a moment made him powerful enough to grasp at one of you.
DONUT: Me. But, but that was an accident.
ATLUS: There are no accidents when it comes to Chrovos. He chose you.
GRIF: [Glancing at Donut] I'm going to guess its because your so gullible
TUCKER: Or stupid
SARGE: Basically an empty suit of armour with a half-decent throwing arm.
ATLUS: He sucks the dumb pink monkey back in time to an era where he is most powerful and returned you with more machines.
TUCKER: Where we done fucked it all up.
ATLUS: Yes
CAROLINA: What can we do to repair time?
KALIRAMA: It's too late. The damage is done.
ATLUS: You have already done his bidding.
CABOOSE: I prefer to buy it now
GRIF: We've been fucking time itself
TUCKER: And tick goes the bucket list
GRIF: Dude, do you ever stop? We've been pulling out the building blocks of time one by one, now it could topple over. Do you know what that means?
SARGE: Time is Jenga.
BURNSTORM: There is hope still. I, Burnstorm, master builder of the gods...
SIMMONS: Uh, AI
BURNSTORM [Whispering] of AI, ok. [Normal voice] ...bound Chrovos once. We can not trick him twice. But we can help you. You unwilling agents of Chrovos can affect him directly, and we are at your mercy.
KALIRAMA: Naturally, you have a choice, and we will not lie to you. The Path ahead is dangerous. To stop Chrovos you must travel to his Labyrinth, you must fight the beasts who guard him, defeat the ghosts of history and demons of his underworld. Few have made the Journey, none have survived.
WASHINGTON: [somewhat sarcastically] When you put it like that, how could we say no?
KALIRAMA: When you complete the impossible journey, you will meet Chrovos. You need only use this.
A Hammer resembling that of a Gravity Hammer appears in the centre of the room and floats their. It has a orange head and what staff
KALIRAMA: Burnstorm constructed the prison that holds Chrovos and from that same material forged...
BURNSTORM: The Hammer
SARGE: Aw, "The Hammer?"
BURNSTORM: The Hammer, yes.
SARGE: But not like "The Grand Hammer of power kabomness?"
SIMMONS: Plus five enchanted hammer of binding?
TUCKER: Ass-Tapper?
WASHINGTON: Sister Sledge? James Blunt?
LOPEZ: [In Spanish] Sinaloa Lie Detector
DONUT: Hammer barbaria
WASHINGTON: Slam rockwell
BURNSTORM: Stop.
SISTER: The butt cracker
CABOOSE: Mister smashyface. Mister smashyfaces friend, Whackman. Miss Whackman
ATLUS: Valleymaker
BURNSTORM: No
ATLUS: Thunderclap. This is fun.
BURNSTORM: No! Its called The Hammer. The most important hammer that has ever existed, it's definitive. The Hammer!
REDS AND BLUES AND ATLUS: Oh
ATLUS: You should call it that.
KALIRAMA: By striking Chrovos' prison with the hammer, you reinforce his binding, energising them, topping up their mystic power. Counter-intuitive but that's magic for you.
ATLUS: We will leave you alone with The Hammer as you make your decision, and before you go.
All the Reds and Blues swords, except for Tucker and Grif's, as well as Caboose's Club, disappear. Everyone who lost their sword groans.
ATLUS: You can have your toys back after you save the universe. [At Caboose] You can keep your's because its funny.
The Reds and Blues are then warped to a private room on starseeds. They all yell in shock. Simmons vomits inside his helmet.
SIMMONS: Oh God, its in my helmet!
SISTER: I guess this is to give us some privacy?
CAROLINA: SO, what do we think?
SARGE: [Laughing] I agree! Powerful name.
CAROLINA: The fight?
SIMMONS: Can't we just go back and stop ourselves from time travelling in the first place?
CAROLINA: Didn't Jax say that's a paradox?
TUCKER: Can we go back and stop Jax from saying that?
WASHINGTON: Your in denial. Guys, the Reds and Blues did their best
SARGE: Reds especially
WASHINGTON: And its only by doing our best, our absolute best and failing that we can ever truly know exactly how much we suck
SARGE: uh...
WASHINGTON: You messed up, We all have regrets. Lost friends we'd like to have around...
Caboose's head is seen dropping down
WASHINGTON: ...Things we'd take back...
Tucker is seen glancing at Sister
WASHINGTON: ...But these time guns can't fix us. You use them to relieve guilt, right wrongs, to avoid responsibility. But the past is done. Do better now, be better now. Now is the only time that's every mattered. Ask yourself, do I make bad decisions?
Carolina's head turns away from wash and drops down slightly
WASHINGTON: How can I do better?
Camera pans to Sarge
WASHINGTON: Who do I want to be?
Camera pans to Grif
TUCKER: Wash, it's selfish not to time travel. Are you saying you wouldn't go back and stop yourself from hurting people?
WASHINGTON: Mistakes are the dirt we grow from Tucker. In the end, you can't argue with cause and effect. You made a mess, you need to clean it up.
GRIF: Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
SARGE: Well hell, the whole reason I joined the military was to win a battle against god himself
SIMMONS: Yeah!
CABOOSE: Let's take a swing at it!
GRIF: He did it, good form!
WASHINGTON: And your not alone, this ain't my mess but I'm in to help fix it. No matter where it takes us, you can count on me to fight alongside you.
CAROLINA: No... Your not coming. Everything you just said... I should've told you Wash, I can't believe I let it get this far I-
WASHINGTON: Whoa, slow down. It's alright
CAROLINA: It's not. It's really, really not. You can't come, you can't fight.
WASHINGTON: Carolina, it's me your talking to.
CAROLINA: Stop being so fucking nice! Your sitting this one out Wash. I mean it. Your on the DL
WASHINGTON: [Yelling] I'm not disabled!
CAROLINA: You are! You were really hurt.
WASHINGTON: Yeah...
CAROLINA: Really hurt. More then I told you. Your gaps in memory their... I mean... the frustration you've been feeling. Wash, I've had to watch you struggle with it. I should've said-
WASHINGTON: [somewhat harshly] Carolina, spit it out.
CAROLINA: [Sighs] Your injury caused what is known as Cerebral Hypoxia. We don't know the extent of the damage but when you were shot in the neck, your brain was starved of oxygen.
WASHINGTON: For how long?
CAROLINA: A while.
WASHINGTON: How long?
CAROLINA: Several minutes. your brain went several minutes without oxygen
(When) Your Middle Name is Danger can be heard playing in the background. Washington turns to the Sim Troopers
WASHINGTON: [Yelling] And did you all know?!
SIMMONS: [Sadly] No.
WASHINGTON: [Yelling] Did you?!
TUCKER: [Sadly] No!
WASHINGTON: [Yelling] Was I the only one who didn't know I had fucking brain damage?!
GRIF: Dude, we had no idea.
CAROLINA: I kept it from everyone Wash
WASHINGTON: [Yelling] Including Me!
CAROLINA: ...Yeah...
WASHINGTON: How could you keep that from me?
CAROLINA: I Just... Look I... I didn't want to...
Washington walks away from the group
CAROLINA: ...Upset you...
SARGE: [Sadly] Wash...
CABOOSE: [Sadly] My brain is fuzzy... and I do good...
A Portal can be heard opening. The Reds and Blues turn around and see Donut standing in front of a Time Portal with The Hammer
TUCKER: Donut?
SISTER: What are you doing?
DONUT: Gullible... Stupid... An empty suit of armour? Thanks for making this easier guys.
Donut walks through the portal and it disappears. The camera cuts to a wide shot of the remaining Reds and Blues in the area.
SISTER: Y'all need therapy.
Gallery
Trivia
- It is revealed that the Cosmic Powers are actually AI's created by Chrovos to manipulate other races by making them think they are gods. This means they have also been manipulating Huggins and Muggins and both are unaware about the Cosmic Powers being AI's. The "deities'" actual appearance are Monitor bodies like that used by Epsilon.
- The song that plays when Washington lashes out at the Reds and Blues is the Meta's theme "(When) Your Middle Name is Danger"
- When Atlus gives the Reds and Blues energy swords they are all the same standard blue colour, except for Donut's which is Dark Green similarly to Kaliramas. It's never explained why this is the case.
- Donut stealing the hammer at the end of the episode was spoiled by Genkins in Docudrama.
- The Jenga metaphor for time travel wasn't originally in the script and was improvised by Matt Hullum while recording his lines for Sarge.[1]
References
Video
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