|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"And Don't Call Me Shirley"|
|Airdate||May 24, 2010|
Having set the piece of wall containing Doc back up vertically, Washington again attempts to interrogate him. After being repeatedly hit by Meta and threatened to be shot, Doc reveals that Simmons said something about a distress call, and mentioned "sand". At the desert, the Reds spy on Epsilon and Caboose. Sarge believes that the Reds may be able to restore the Blues to command's database at the facility mentioned by Epsilon-Church. As the Reds leave in pursuit, Tucker takes the opportunity to escape from the Aliens and follows the Reds.
As Epsilon and Caboose look for the entrance to the facility, a screen attached to a tree becomes active, and a voice identical to that of Sheila is heard, explaining that they have 30 seconds to leave or be killed. When Caboose asks if it is Sheila, the program identifies itself as F.I.L.S.S. Upon hearing Epsilon's voice, F.I.L.S.S. disables the countdown, believing him to the the Director of Project Freelancer. At his request, F.I.L.S.S. opens the door to the facility, which was hidden in a wall. Epsilon then orders her to also answer to the name "Sheila", as it will be easier than getting Caboose to adapt to the new name.
Fade in to Wash and the Meta looking at Doc and the piece of wall he's stuck in, upright in the field
Washington: Come on, can't you get him out of there? He's just stuck in a few rocks.
Washington: Why can't anything ever be easy? Doc, I want you to tell me everything you know about the Reds and Blues.
Doc: You know more than me, I just got here.
Washington: Hit him.
The Meta hits Doc
Washington: You worked with them before. Do they have any hideouts, anywhere they go when they're in trouble.
Doc: I don't know.
Washington: Hit him again.
The Meta hits Doc again.
Washington: Did Simmons say where Sarge and Grif were? You can either answer me, or I can have the Meta beat it out of you. Or, I can beat it out of you. I think I've earned it.
Doc: Man, you guys are really awful at the Good Cop/Bad Cop thing. You're like, Bad Cop and Even Worse Cop.
Washington: Tell you what Meta, let's just shoot him in the chest, see if we can pull the audio logs out of his helmet.
Doc: Uh-ah- he said something about a distress call!
Washington: Hit him again.
Doc: And sand! H-he mentioned sand!
Cut to the Reds spying on Church and Caboose from nearby
Church: (to Caboose) Alright, well, let's go then. I actually thought it would take longer to convince you. Come on. I wanna get to the facility before nightfall.
Sarge: Facility, eh? I knew the Blues were up to somethin'. Come on men, let's get after those Blues! Sounds like this is the big opportunity we've been waitin' for.
Grif: You mean our opportunity to find a place to hole up until this all blows over?
Simmons: Some place that isn't a desert?
Sarge: No! A place to finally restore the Blues to Command's database. Get yer typing fingers ready Simmons!
Simmons: (sigh) Okay, I'll bring my carpal tunnel braces.
Sarge: If we're going to follow them we'll need a vehicle.
Grif: Well I'm sure we can grab another one from the camp down there.
Simmons: Why do we need a vehicle, the Blues are walking. I'm sure we can keep up with them on foot.
Grif: On foot?!
Sarge: Uh, Simmons? We're the Reds. We don't walkanywhere. We travel as the good Lord intended: in the largest possible vehicle with the maximum horsepower allowed by local law enforcement. And if there's no cars available, we find the biggest, nastiest, meanest, land animal we possibly can, beat the crap out of it, and saddle that puppy up.
Grif: On foot. Shame on you Simmons. Shame on you.
Sarge: Let's just forget you ever mentioned it.
Grif: I think this should go on his permanent record.
Simmons: Oh just go get the fucking jeep jackass.
Cut to Tucker on the pillar, and the Reds drive off in the background
Tucker: Hey, where are you guys going!? Wait! Gah, dammit! Hey guys, listen. I know you want your supercool piece of technology back. Those guys just took off. Probably to look for it. If you let me go, I can track it down for you, and bring it back. No? Okay then, forget it. Oh my God look, a next gen smartphone! Can you believe they'd leave that just layin' around?
The aliens turn to look, and Tucker jumps off the pillar and starts his motorbike
Tucker: Fooled by the old prototype trick. Classic. Well, seeya bitches I'm outta here. What the- out of gas? Hey uh, you guys have any gas?
The aliens aim at Tucker
Tucker: You know what? Fuck it, I'm just gonna run.
Cut to Church and Caboose arriving outside the facility
Church: Alright, I think this is it.
Caboose: This? This doesn't look like anything.
Church: Yeah. It's not supposed to, that's kinda the idea. Come on, this way.
Caboose: Man. You really need to clean this place up.
Church: Come on. Oh yeah here we go. It's this way.
Caboose: My this way or your this way?
Church: There is no- it's the same this way. Okay yeah, this is, it. I think.
Caboose: It's a wall. We came all this way for a wall?
Behind them, on a tree, a screen comes on
Caboose: It's a really, great wall.
F.I.L.S.S: Hello. This is a private facility. Visitors are not welcome. Please leave immediately. Or, we will be forced to take lethal measures, to ensure the safety of our property.
Caboose: That is great.
F.I.L.S.S: You have thirty seconds to comply, or die. Have a nice day!
Caboose: Sheila? Is that you?
F.I.L.S.S: No. I am the Freelancer Integrated Logistics and Security System. You may call me Phyllis. It is a pleasure to meet you. You now have, fifteen, seconds to live.
Church: Whoa. Dying sounds like a bad idea. Maybe we should leave.
F.I.L.S.S: Oh my, the Director. I am so sorry, I did not recognize you Sir. It has been such a long time since you have visited. You look very different.
Church: Talkin' to me?
F.I.L.S.S: Yes. You are the Director of Project Freelancer, are you not?
Church: Oh uh, yeah. Of course, that's- totally me. I just haven't been around because I've been, doing, you know... Director stuff. Can't really get into it. Secret project.
F.I.L.S.S: How may I assist you today?
Church: Can we uh... Can we come in?
The wall opens in front of them.
F.I.L.S.S: Please watch your step.
Caboose: Kinda spooky in there.
Church: Yeah... Why don't you go first?
Church: Well I mean, you're the one with, the gun, and everything.
Caboose: Yeah, but the tree seemed to like you best. Uh hey Sheila could you-
F.I.L.S.S: Are you speaking to me?
Church: We're just kinda used to calling you, by that name? Um, maybe you should just answer him when he calls you that. Probably easier for you to change than it is for him. He's kinda dumb.
F.I.L.S.S: Alright. I will respond to that name as well. You are the Director after all.
Church: Right. I am.
- The name of this episode is based on a line that Dr. Rumak said in the 1980 film Airplane.
- F.I.L.S.S. begins to type out the Gettysburg Address, a speech crafted by president Abraham Lincoln in 1863, at around 3:30 under the Terminal 42-J section of herself.
- It is interesting that F.I.L.S.S. recognized Epsilon as the Director, despite the fact that their voice patterns are completely different. However, the Director might have had Church's voice when he was younger, due to the fact that Church is based off the Director.