|Red vs. Blue Episode|
Released in high-definition on the Xbox Live Marketplace and on the general site, Simmons and Sarge, in an attempt to calm down avid fans waiting for the public Beta test of Halo 3, play them a video introduction in which the cast of Red vs. Blue welcome them to the Beta, and point out many of its features as well as possible problems.
Fade from black, hundreds of soldiers in assorted armor colors are queuing outside a base in Blood Gulch. The base has been decorated with a banner reading "Today: (Halo 3 logo) BETA!!! Tomorrow: All you can eat SHRIMP BUFFET!!!"
Soldiers: (chanting) Halo 3! Halo 3! Halo 3!
Cut to Simmons, standing on top of the base
Simmons: Alright! Just calm down everyone. Calm down!
Sarge: Simmons! Get those people under control!
Simmons: They won't listen, Sarge. they just wanna play Halo 3.
The soldiers continue chanting
Sarge: Shut up, lunatics, or I'll lob a tear gas grenade in there and none of you will get to play!
Green Soldier: (excited voice) Tear gas grenades? We get tear gas grenades in Halo 3? I need to go update my blog!
Sarge: Wait! What? No! Come back! That's not official information! Simmons, quick! Run the orientation video...
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: ...Give them something to watch. We need to keep them pacified!
Fade in to Sarge and Church standing in the center of Valhalla.
Sarge: Why, hello! And welcome to the Halo 3 Multiplayer Beta! If you are in the Beta, that means you were specially selected, or you purchased a copy of Crackdown.
Church: And if you received this special RvB video, that means you pre-ordered a copy of BulletWitch 2! Congratulations...I guess.
Sarge: We want to remind everyone that just like in Halo 3, this video's a work in progress. So no grapping if there's any parts that don't make -
Static. Cut to Donut in Halo 1 armour, standing in the base. The banner next to him reads "DONUT World touR (love heart '02!" in childish writing. Donut sings in a high-pitched voice)
More static. Cut back to Valhalla, where Simmons runs into view.
Simmons: Oh, sorry! I had to use an old tape to record this!
Sarge: Bug Report! In fact, if you see anything strange - I mean, anything else strange - just issue a bug report through the menu, or the game will take care of it for you!
Cut to Grif, standing next to an overturned Mongoose
Grif: Sarge! the new Mongoose needs a jump-start!
Sarge: Bug Report!
Cut to Tucker, standing next to rock with a red stain on it
Tucker: My gun is firing ketchup!
Sarge: Bug Report!
Cut to Caboose, who only has one arm. His other arm, still holding a gun, is on the ground next to him
Caboose: My arm fell off.
Sarge: Report a la Bug. That's French for Bug Report.
Cut to Church, firing at Grif
Church: I can't hit anything with this sniper rifle!
Sarge: That's not a bug, you're just a lousy shot, moron!
Sarge knocks Church down, and shoots Grif. Grif collapses. Cut to outside of base.
Sarge: And 1, and 2...
It is revealed that Simmons is teabagging Grif towards his head, with Sarge and Donut watching.
Sarge: ...and 3, and 4! Good, work those hammies!
Simmons: Feels good! Slightly improved!
Sarge: Grif, how would you rate the humiliation factor?
Sarge: Excellent! Another vital test of mission critical technology!
Grif: Can we stop now?
Sarge: No! This is for science!
Donut: Yeah, and not everyone's had their turn yet! Heh heh heh!
Cut to the man-cannon in the base
Sarge: Another important development from Bungie Labs is the Homo Sapiens Propulsifier. Also known as the man-cannon.
Simmons: It fires men?
Sarge: Yes. And also Grifs! Come here, Grif! (Grif walks forward) Let's say the Blues are launching a co-ordinated offensive...
Cut to Blue Team, standing in middle of map
Church: Where the heck are we? I don't even know this map!
Tucker: Where are the weapons?
Caboose: Which base is ours?
Cut back to Sarge
Sarge: What better way to slow them down than to choke up their movement lanes with dead soldiers! Or, if no soldiers are available, dead Grifs!
Grif: Wait, what? (Sarge knocks him down) Ow!
Grif flies out of the man-cannon. He screams as he flies off-screen. A loud thud is heard
Church: (offscreen) Ow!
Cut to Grif lying on top of Church
Church: Get this guy off of me!
Cut back to Red Base
Sarge: Simmons! Double humiliation test, on the double!
Simmons: I'm on it, sir!
Sarge: God, I love technology.
Simmons flies out of man-cannon. Fade to black
Church: Seriously, get this guy off of me. This is the most humiliating thing I could possibly endure.
Grif: Dude, if you knew what I just went through, you wouldn't be saying that.