|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| April 5, 2015 (sponsors)|
April 6, 2015
Capital Assets is the second episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 13. It aired on April 5th, 2015 for sponsors and April 6th, 2015 for the general public, and is the 267th episode overall.
- Several soldiers
- Three space pirates
In downtown Armonia, Grif is greeted by several Feds and Rebels, much to his annoyance. He then encounters Matthews, who thanks him for saving the armies back at Radio Jammer Station 1C for the 57th time, angering Grif. Grif then asks Matthews about Kimball's whereabouts, in which the latter tells him that she's at the armory. Grif makes his way there.
At the armory, manned by Simmons, Lopez and Donut, Simmons and Donut argue with a Fed soldier regarding his heavy machine gun turret, as well as his armor color. Grif approaches them and asks them about Kimball's whereabouts. Donut explains that she was last seen in the training room, so Grif takes off to the training room.
At the training facility, Washington instructs Jensen, Smith, Bitters, and Palomo during a target practice session. Grif interrupts them and asks Wash where Kimball is. Wash, in turn, brings up Grif's absence during training, and when the latter remorselessly admits that he wasn't present, Wash punishes the lieutenants for Grif's actions. Regardless, Wash informs Grif that Kimball is in a meeting with Doyle at the war room, causing Grif to rush over there.
At the war room, Kimball and Doyle argue over the Feds' overuse of ammunition, due to them preferring to use assault rifles over DMRs. Grif interrupts them and complains about why he isn't allowed to have second helpings in the mess hall. Doyle explains to him that it is because of their current food shortage but this quickly leads into an argument between him and Kimball. Grif continues to try to explain his case, but Kimball, annoyed, forces Grif out and places him on dish duty. After the two calm down Doyle informs Kimball of their men's most recent assault.
Meanwhile, at Charon Research Complex 2C, Tucker and Sarge taunt three captured space pirates over the capture of their base. Carolina reverts their focus on the intel regarding Freelancer equipment and Epsilon tells them to report back to their accompanying Feds and Rebels. When the two do so, Carolina and Epsilon ponder over an alien-like structure nearby, wondering what other things Charon have been studying on Chorus.
Fade in to Armonia. A train is seen passing by.
ARMONIA, CAPITAL CITY OF CHORUS, DOWNTOWN
Cut to Grif shuffling past a rebel and a fed
Rebel: Good morning, Captain Grif.
Fed: Good morning, Captain Grif!
Matthews: Oh. Oh! Captain Grif!
Grif stops in front of Matthews
Grif: (sighs) Yes, Matthews?
Matthews: Hey! Uh, uh, I just wanted to say, uh, thanks again for everything you and the other Reds and Blues did for us. If you guys hadn't shut down that radio jammer, we'd be dead!
Grif: (sarcastically) Gosh Matthews, I really appreciate that! Almost as much as I did the other fifty-six times you thanked me!
Matthews: Oh, good. I was worried it would might start to come off as annoying.
Grif: It does, that was sarcasm.
Matthews: Just gonna repress that!
Matthews: Oh, Captain Grif! Uh, good to see you. I wanted to thank you for-
Grif: (grunts) Look, do you know where Kimball is? I need to talk to her.
Matthews: Kimball? Uh, I'm pretty sure I saw her in the armory a little while ago.
Grif: Great, thanks.
Matthews: ...Do you need an escort?
Grif: (offscreen) NO!
Cut to the armory, where Simmons is seen giving a line of Feds and Rebels weapons. Lopez is seen inside the armory garage.
Simmons: Alright, explain to me again, why do you need a .50 caliber chaingun?
Gunman Fed: ...Because I'm a gunman.
Simmons: Yeah, yeah, I know, I get that. You keep saying that. I mean, why do you need it right now?
Rebel 1: Hey G-man, hurry up!
Gunman Fed: Well, I mean, how else are people gonna know what I do around here?
Simmons: You're a soldier. Everyone's a soldier! You shoot at people, who shoot at you, until one of you dies from all the shooting!
Gunman Fed: Yeah, but that's what I'm sayin'. Without my big gun, I just look like all the regular soldiers.
Simmons: No you don't! You've got white armor and red stripes!
Donut suddenly pops up next to Simmons.
Donut: Ugh, and they're just awful. I'm thinking we go bold. Maybe red armor with white stripes!
Gunman Fed: Huh?
Simmons: (sighs) Donut, just because you're in charge of uniforms, doesn't mean you get to redecorate the entire army. Besides, that'll completely ruin his camouflage.
Donut: What camouflage?
Cut to the line of soldiers.
Simmons: Huh. Good point. How the hell have you not been shot yet?
Gunman Fed: What?
Fed Soldier: It's because the New Republic can't aim for shit.
Rebel Soldier: Wanna say that to my face, punk?
Simmons: Hey, cut it out! The armory is no place for violence. Now calm down, or I'm not gonna to give you a gun.
Rebel Soldier: (offscreen) He started it.
Fed Soldier: (groans)
Cut to Grif striding up to Simmons and Donut.
Grif: Outta my way. Captain on deck. Official officer business.
Grif stops in front of Simmons
Simmons: Grif, what do you want? Can't you see we're busy?
Grif: Where's Kimball?
Simmons: I don't know. Where were you during training this morning?
Grif: Where do you guys train again?
Simmons: (exasperatedly) In the training room.
Grif: Oh, right, yeah. Literally anywhere but there.
Donut: Well I think I heard Miss Kimball was inspecting the troops over there a little while ago.
Grif: Aw man. Really?
Lopez: ¡Oye! [Hey!]
Grif, Simmons, and Donut turn towards Lopez.
Lopez: ¡Mientras estás ahí, dígale a Jensen que deje de conducir los coches que ella arregla! Conduce como una adolescente y una abuela que fueron combinadas de alguna forma, y que también eran ciegas. [While you're there, tell Jensen to stop driving cars that she fixes! She drives like a teenager and a grandmother who were somehow combined, and were also blind.]
Grif: Lopez? I don't speak Spanish. I have never spoken Spanish.
Simmons: Yeah, get with the times and just assimilate.
Lopez: Bien. Voy a cortarle los frenos a tu próximo Warthog.[Cool. I'm cutting the brakes on your next Warthog.]
Grif: See ya', dickheads.
Gunman Fed, Simmons, and Donut temporarily turn towards Grif as he walks away. Gunman Fed then turns back to Simmons and Donut.
Gunman Fed: Do you really think my stripes are awful?
Cut to the training room, where the lieutenants are firing at cones. Three cones are knocked down, while the final shot misses the last cone.
Washington: Lieutenant Palomo!
Palomo: Yes, Agent Washington, sir.
Washington: Explain to me how, in light of your recent promotion, you somehow managed to be worst at target practice.
Palomo: (hurriedly) Uh, because the newly-added pressure of my rank makes me second-guess my actions more frequently in hopes I won't let down my fellow peers.
Washington: Well I don't-! Oh. Um, I mean, that's understandable, Lieutenant.
Palomo: Also, I've been trying to make a smiley face for like, 9 minutes.
Cut to a crudely made "smiley face" made out of bullet holes.
Palomo: Nailed it.
Cut to Grif walking in.
Washington: (sighs) Now what.
Grif: Where's Kimball?
Washington: (sarcastic) Oh! Captain Grif. How nice of you to join us. We missed you at practice this morning.
Grif: (chuckles) Yeah. That's probably because I wasn't there.
Washington: So you weren't. Which is why everyone is going to give me three laps around the training facility.
All four lieutenants turn to him.
Palomo: (together) Aww!
Jensen: (together) What the-?!
Bitters: (together) That's not fair!
Smith: (together) Yes sir!
Washington: Get moving.
Grif turns to Washington.
Grif: (shocked) You're punishing them?
Washington: Remedial training. Disciplining a group for the actions of a single soldier leads to social pressures that typically result in the easy correction of an undesirable behavior. Classic military strategy.
Cut to the four lieutenants running.
Bitters: (angrily) Thanks a lot, fuckface!
Washington: So. Are you ready to begin today's training?
Grif: Uhh.. No?
Washington: All right then. Let's make it four laps!
Smith: Yes sir!
The other three lieutenants groan in protest.
Jensen: I'm gonna have an asthma attack!
Washington: How're you feeling now?
Grif: I feel like this military's fucking weird.
Washington: FIVE LAPS!
Smith: Yes sir!
The other three groan again.
Grif: Man! This is the best punishment ever!
Washington: What do you need Kimball for, anyways? She's in the middle of a meeting with Doyle.
Grif: So, she's in the war room?
Washington: I- Wait wait wait wait wait. No. You're not going anywhere until-
Grif: (as he walks off) Sorry dude, gotta go, uh, just punish the rebels some more. I'm sure I'll learn my lesson.
Washington: (sighs) Goddamn it.
The four lieutenants return.
Smith: Whew. We sure showed him.
Bitters and Jensen wheeze. Palomo collapses to the ground as Washington turns towards them. Cut to the war room, where Kimball and Doyle are seen.
Kimball: I don't care if your men prefer it, the fact to the matter is we are going to run out of ammunition faster.
Doyle: But you're not taking the statistical advantage into account! Yes, the standard issue Assault Rifle has a fire rate of fifteen rounds per second, but if those rounds aren't being fired at the enemy, then that means we have fifteen chances to kill the enemy, every time we pull the trigger!
Kimball: Without our mercenaries bringing in supplies, we need to make every bullet count.
Doyle: Are you doubting my soldiers' skill in the battlefield?
Kimball: I am doubting so much more than that.
Doyle: (sighs) Ms. Kimball, it has been over a month since we began this truce, and there has yet to be a single day where you have not tested its strength.
Kimball: Well, that's probably because I don't like you!
Cuts to Grif
Grif: We've got a problem!
Doyle: (bitterly) Is it tan with a blue visor?
Grif: Now, I'm what most people consider a hero, like a firefighter, or the guy who invented the microwave, or, uh, the Oreo dude.
Kimball: ... Okay?
Grif: So what I want to know, is why a hero, like myself, is not allowed to have second helpings in the mess hall!
Doyle: Umm...because we're low on food.
Kimball: Oh, so you have the common sense to ration our meals, but not our ammo?
Doyle: That is hardly relev-
Kimball: (interrupting, agitated) Hardly relevant?!
The two leaders turn to him.
Grif: I know you guys are having a hard time playing nice, but there are bigger things at stake right now.
Kimball: Get out.
Grif: Like steak, for instance.
Kimball: Get. Out.
Grif: We need bigger ones.
Kimball: (annoyed) Grif! Leave! Now.
Grif: (awkwardly) ... So, are we just going to put a pin in this, or-
Kimball: Oh my god, will someone just put him on dish duty for the rest of the day?
Rebel Soldier: Come on, sir. Let's go.
Grif is escorted away by the Rebel soldier.
Grif: (offscreen) This is some bullshit!
Kimball: Can we just talk about something else for a minute?
Doyle: Well, the reason I originally came to speak with you was to inform you of the status our men's most recent assault.
Kimball: (turning to Doyle) Wait, they radio'ed in? What happened?
Cut to Charon Research Complex 2C, where Sarge and Tucker are shown singing along to Another One Bites the Dust in front of three captured space pirates. Tucker is shown dancing.
CHARON RESEARCH COMPLEX 2C
Sarge: (singing) What?
Tucker: (singing) Another one bites the dust! Oh yeah! Another one gone, another one gone, another one bites the dust! Ugh! Yeah! Ooh! We. Kicked. Your. Ass. Bitch! (end with giving the mercs two middle fingers.)
Sarge: Get down with your bad self!
Carolina: (amused) Alright, that's enough. We just took their base. No need for cruel and unusual punishments.
Sarge and Tucker approach Carolina.
Sarge: Are you sure? I could drop some sick beats on them. Y'know, bust some rhymes, make it old-school.
He chuckles at the thought.
Church: (suddenly materializing) Oh for god's sakes. Please don't.
Sarge: (grunts) Square.
Carolina: Come on. Let's get this place sorted out. Intel says they were keeping some Freelancer equipment here.
Church: Right. Sarge, why don't you go check on the Feds. Tucker, are you down to handle the Rebels?
Tucker: Yeah, yeah.
The two head off.
Church: In all the years we spent in the canyon, when the hell did he learn to dance?
Carolina: (turning behind her) I've got bigger questions on my mind right now.
Church: (turns around as well) Yeah? Like what?
Cut to a mysterious figure in the distance.
Carolina: Like what else was Charon studying out here?
- It is revealed in this episode that one month has passed since the end of Season 12.
- Palomo is revealed to have been promoted to Lieutenant.
- As a result of his promotion, however, Palomo's skills as a soldier have been weakened because of stress.
- Bitters appears to have improved his firing accuracy since the events of Season 12.
- It is revealed that Tucker knows how to dance.
- The song he sings while dancing is Another One Bites The Dust by Queen.
- It is shown that Matthews has been constantly thanking Grif for his and the Blood Gulch Crew's actions at Radio Jammer 1C following the events of Season 12, apparently doing so 57 times.
- Jensen's bad driving abilities are mentioned by Lopez in this episode.
- Doyle is seen holding a medical scanner rather than a magnum.
- Washington increasing the number of laps to discipline soldiers is a reference to Barriers to Entry when he did the same to Tucker.