|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Cold & Flu Season Tips"|
Grif and Simmons present various tips to combat the cold and flu, though they have little expert knowledge of the subject. To supplement this, Doc appears to offer his own advice, though it becomes obvious that he considers many of the side effects of O'Malley's possession of him to be common ailments that are met with the cold and flu, along with a series of listed effects. It is revealed that Caboose has been suffering from avian influenza, from which he believes he can fly, and falls off a rock trying to demonstrate his ability. Finally, Donut advises the viewer to stay warm and avoid computer viruses. As Grif pretends to be sick himself, Sarge prepares his own unorthodox treatments.
Fade in on Simmons and Grif in front of red base
Grif: Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
Simmons: And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.
Grif: As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh.
An image of a Soldier with an ice bag and a thermometer in his mouth appears next to Grif.
Grif: Even here in Blood Gulch.
Simmons: During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus. And as we all know, a virus can carry disease.
Grif: And with all the crazy new diseases out there, like SARS and Zombie Fever, you might not even know you're sick until you start coughing from the stench of your own rotting corpse.
Simmons: Here to help you look for early warning signs of this year's flu, is Medical Officer DuFresne.
Doc: Thanks guys. Hi everybody. Here are some common symptoms to look for this flu season. Fever. Runny nose. Watery eyes. Embarassing itchy places. Projectile vomiting. Fear of abandonment. Apocalyptic visions. Evil-
Grif: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a second, did you say evil?
Simmons: Yeah those, those aren't flu symptoms.
Doc: Guys, trust me, I'm a doctor.
Simmons: No you're not, you just play one on the internet!
Doc: Signs your condition may be getting worse include but aren't limited to, night blindness. Hysterical screaming. Maniacal laughing. Volting. And of course, excessive number three.
Caboose: (up on a cliff) I had all of those things. I was very sick.
Simmons: No you didn't Caboose.
Grif: No it's true, Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.
Simmons: What? How is that possible, doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?
Grif: Somehow, he found a way.
Caboose: I am feeling much better now. And, I can fly.
Caboose jumps off the cliff
Caboose: I am flyinggggggg-
Caboose: Ow. The sky is very hard.
Doc: If you think you're feeling sick, or possessed by diabolical forces, just remember to get plenty of fluids, and cave-dwelling time.
Donut: Of course, the key is to not get sick in the first place. That means staying warm, and that means accessorizing.
Camera moves back to reveal Donut is wearing light-red fluffy boots.
Donut: Whad'ya think of my new boots, guys? Aren't they fab?
Simmons: Get out of here Donut!
Grif: You're not even supposed to be in this PSA.
Donut: Oh come on guys, who knows more about spreading communicable diseases than me?
Doc: He's got a point there guys.
Donut: And here's a tip for all you kids out there. Stay off the computer. That way you'll avoid getting adeadly computer virus. Alive in oh-five. Delano out! (runs off)
Grif: So in summary, you can help yourself avoid the common cold if you just avoid some simple mistakes.
Doc: If you're feeling dizzy, short of breath, or if you've just been up all night plotting world domination, you're probably coming down with something really, really, really bad.
Simmons: So stay healthy, because you wouldn't wanna have to stay home and miss school or work for one day.
Grif: Oh yeah, wouldn't wanna miss work, that would be (fake coughing)... terrible. (suddenly in a stuffy voice) Simmons, I think I'm coming down with something, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it to work.
Sarge: (running in to frame) What in consumption?! We've got an outbreak, Simmons! Prepare to initiate quarantine protocol Omega-three!
Simmons: Yes sir. I'll get the vaccine and the extra large suppository, so we can cure Grif.
Grif: (short coughing) -did you say extra large? Uh suddenly, I'm feeling much better!
Sarge: Too late for needles, Simmons. I've had the bullets in my shotgun medically coated, for the fastest possible injection of life-saving medicine.
Simmons: Great idea, Sir. We shoot him until he's healthy again!
Grif: Really guys, much better, seriously.
Sarge: It's all about containment now, son. If we fire at will, we may be able to save the others.
Grif: Hey Doc, a little help here?
Doc: Quiet Grif, can't you see I'm trying to learn new Medical Field techniques? Hey Sarge, how would you treat a sore throat?
Sarge: That's easy. Strychnine soothes and coats as it goes down.
Doc: How about fever?
Sarge: Feed the patient dry ice, and replace the blood with a heavy-weight antifreeze.
Doc: Ah, I see. What about a cold?
Sarge: A cold? Son, in my day we would euthanize anyone with a sniffle!
Grif: Uh oh.