|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Getting Away From it All"|
|Airdate||September 8, 2014|
- Airport Security Guard
- Boy Scout
- Bouncer (Voice only)
The Reds and Blues are long overdue for a vacation, but "vacation" doesn't always mean relaxation. While Sarge and Caboose decide to go camping, Simmons and Grif decide to go to the Vegas quadrant. However, both groups encounter several issues that may ruin their vacation.
Fade in to Simmons and Grif in Valhalla.
Simmons: Hi, I'm Dick Simmons from the popular web series, Red vs-
Sarge: (off screen) Red team! Front and center!
Grif: What the hell?
Cut to Grif and Simmons rushing to Sarge.
Simmons: Sir, what is it?
Sarge: It's that time of year again.
Caboose suddenly appears.
Simmons: No. Also you're on the wrong team.
Grif: Just spit it out already.
Sarge: It's red team's, mandatory annual vacation.
Simmons: That's great!
Grif: Great? Red team vacations suck. We can never decide where to go, so then we all end up doing Donut's idea of a "stay-cation" which ends with us doing what we always do.
Caboose: What do you always do?
Simmons: Complain about never going on vacation.
Sarge: Well this year there won't be a debate because I've already planned the perfect getaway. A good ol fashioned camping trip.
Grif: Boo! Camping's for boy scouts and poor people that can't afford real vacations.
Sarge: What? Camping is the ultimate relaxing retreat. It's just you and nature battling for survival. You haven't killed me yet wilderness! (brief silence) Damned straight.
Simmons: As much as I hate to disagree sir, I think I have to side with Grif. If god wanted us to live outdoors he wouldn't have given us Google Fiber.
Grif: Vacations should be badass, with drinking and gambling, and drinking!
Caboose: And gambling!
Grif: Whoa hold on there buddy, that's how you develop a problem.
Sarge: Fine, you two newlyweds can go off and have your terrible honeymoon. Caboose and I will have our own vacation.
Grif: Woohoo! Vegas Quadrant here we come!
Cut to a vacant mesa, where Sarge and Caboose slowly emerge in a warthog. They exit the warthog.
Sarge: Alrighty then, step one complete. By relying solely on my primordial instincts, I've driven us out of range of all cell phone reception and made sure not to tell anyone about where we're going, (chuckles) that way we can't be bothered.
Caboose: Well that just makes sense.
Cut to reveal Sarge and Caboose staring at a Minecraft-esque woodland area.
Sarge: Now where to set up camp?
Cut to Grif and Simmons at an airport.
Grif: (whining) I hate airport security.
Simmons: Don't worry Grif, in a few short hours we'll be enjoying a relaxing weekend. Now if we want to see everything the Vegas Quadrant has to offer, we need to wake up properly at 5:00 a.m to skip the buffet rush. If we can eat it in under seven minutes we'll need to take a cab to go see the Museum of Wax.
Grif: You mean the Wax Museum.
Simmons: The Wax Museum?! No, that's a total tourist trap! We're going to the Dick Simmons Guided tour. Trust me, I got it all planned out.
Grif: If you think I'm following a schedule on my vacation, your in for a bad time.
Airport Security Guard: (clears throat) Excuse me. If you think you walk into an airport with a rifle, then you're in for a bad time. And a cavity search.
Grif: Ah shit.
Sound of Elastic glove snapping. Cut to Sarge and Caboose in the woods.
Sarge: Now it's important to remember that camping is essentially an all out war against the clutches of mother nature. Which is why I packed all the essentials; hiking boots, spare clothes, bug repellant, sleeping bag, flashlight, M2968 gauge shotgun shells, hand grenades, bowie knife, M41 surface to air missiles, aaannnd sunblock SPF-117. Wink.
Caboose: Hu- what a coincidence! Those are all things I left in the car!
Sarge: Huh, well that's not a problem. Well just camp as our ancestors once did. With nothing but the power armor on their backs.
Caboose: True pioneers.
SURVIVAL TIP #1: MAKE A SHELTER
Cut to Sarge and Caboose near a tree.
Sarge: Now the first thing we're gonna want to do, is construct a shelter.
Caboose: Uh, can I have bunk beds? I have always wanted bunk beds.
Sarge: Son, you can make whatever you want. Now stand back and watch a true survivalist at work! (begins chopping down the tree) Alright, here we go. Timber!
Rather than fall, the section of the tree in which Sarge chopped off disappears, with the rest of the tree remaining intact.
SURVIVAL TIP #2:
MAKE FIND A SHELTER
Cut to Sarge and Caboose near a cave.
Sarge: Clearly nature is trying to tell us to work smarter not harder.
Caboose: I thought you said nature was bad?
Sarge: Rather than spend time constructing a shelter, we should just find one. Like this natural cave formation. Now we're using the enemies resources against it. Go to hell nature!
Sarge enters the cave alone.
Sarge: (off screen) Oh yeah this is great! The darkness keeps us protected from the brutal outdoor sun. And the ground is covered with what I can only assume is a soft, comfortable moss.
Caboose: And I made a torch so we can see.
Caboose pulls out a torch and enters the cave.
Sarge: Well hot damn come on in and light it up.
Inside the cave Caboose lights his torch, revealing multiple creatures surrounding him and Sarge.
Sarge: Okay put it out.
SURVIVAL TIP #3:
MAKE FIND PLEASE, JUST...SHELTER
Cut to Sarge digging himself into a hole, while Caboose watches.
Sarge: Caboose, every nerve in my body is instinctively telling me to give up and go home or risk dying at the cruel hands of mother nature.
Caboose: Awww w-we're leaving?
Sarge: No, I'm spending the next twenty-four hours in this hole so that I can prove to Grif that camping is the superior vacation.
Caboose: Ughghh okay.
Sarge: I need you to watch from up above. If you don't survive the night, I just want you to know one thing: I'm going to eat your body for sustenance. Now could you please just bury me alive?
Caboose buries Sarge. Suddenly, a boy scout approaches Caboose.
Boy Scout: Uh excuse me sir. Uh my fellow boy scouts and I couldn't help but notice you alone in the woods. Wanna come over for some hotdogs and smores?
Caboose: Uh-ye well I-I don't know...
Boy Scout: We've got a spare bed if you don't mind the top bunk.
Caboose: (long pause) ...Best vacation ever!
Cut to a nightclub Grif and Simmons are being violently kicked out of.
Bouncer: (off screen) And stay out!
Simmons: Damn it Grif! Why'd you have to cut in line at the buffet? Ugh this vacation sucks.
Grif: Heh, good thing I pocketed a bunch of chips before they threw us out. Looks like the rest of the trip is on me.
The airport security guard suddenly appears before the two.
Airport Security Guard: (clears throat) Yep, that's a cavity search.
Grif: Ah shit.
Sound of Elastic glove snapping. Cut to black.
- This PSA utilizes the Minecraft game engine.
- Simmons and Grif going to the Vegas Quadrant is a reference to The Rookies, where Grif mentions he intended to go there with Simmons before the start of the series, but Simmons refused to go.
- This also makes the first appearance of the location, which is eleven seasons after it was first mentioned.
- Sarge's sunscreen having SPF 117 may be a reference to the Master Chief, who is also known for his codename Sierra 117.