|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||January 23, 2006|
Inside Red Base, Sarge attempts to bury his disgust and hatred toward Grif in an attempt to consolidate whatever soldiers the Reds have left to fight the war with the Blues. Sarge's own personal disdain for Grif still leaks through as he disclosed that he has attempted to murder Grif countless times while everyone was asleep. Outside the base, Simmons — still mostly blue — and Donut have a verbal fight. Donut, still under the impression that Simmons is a Blue soldier, refused to allow Simmons to pass without being shot at. Eventually, Sarge and Grif come out to see what's happening and acknowledge who Simmons really is. Simmons, though still looked down upon by Sarge for his apparent betrayal, still wants to pass along Blue Army info to the Reds.
Caboose, Tucker and Andy return to Blue Base. According to Tucker, Tex is still pursuing Wyoming, the quest was a failure, and the Alien died. Frustrated that the quest failed and that Tucker did not immediately reveal that Wyoming is still alive, Church orders Tucker to report those kinds of events immediately in future.
Fade in to Grif talking to Sarge ...or Sarge talking to Grif, depending on your viewpoint
Grif: You wanted ta, see me, Sarge?
Sarge: Yes Grif, I think it's time we buried the hatchet. Started workin' more closely together.
Grif: Say what? Isn't that like a sign of the apocalypse or something?
Sarge: As you know, I've never liked you. Not even a little bit.
Sarge: You've always been lazy, insubordinate, and I suspect that underneath that helmet, you're probably extremely ugly to boot!
Grif: No argument here.
Sarge: Over the years I've been so disappointed in your work, I've slowly stopped giving you things to do. Most days, I forget ya even exist.
Grif: Yeahhh, it's been a good run.
Sarge: But I think we all need to realise that Simmons, is not comin' back. Red Team is just gonna have to make due with the few worthless soldiers we have left.
Grif: Wait, didn't this start out as a pep talk?
Sarge: We may never know why Simmons left-
Grif: Yeah, maybe he was overwhelmed by all the positive reinforcement you give out.
Sarge: But the fact of the matter is we're at war! If we're gonna win this thing, we need to work together! We need to put aside our disgusting laziness and our constant attempts to kill each other in our sleep.
Grif: I've never tried to kill you in your sleep.
Sarge: Dammit Grif this is a compromise. I realise I'm gonna have to give up some things as well.
Cut to Simmons walking up to the Red base, with Donut standing on the roof looking down
Donut: Halt! Who goes there?
Simmons: Donut, it's me.
Donut: Oh right, you. Whadda you want?
Simmons: I wanna talk to Sarge. I just found out some info. Wait, why'm I answering your questions?
Donut: I said hold it!
Simmons: What's your problem, Donut?
Donut: Sarge told me not to let anyone in the base, and I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.
Simmons: I'm not the enemy.
Donut: Oh please, you're dressed in blue! F.Y.I. there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.
Simmons: More like pink.
Donut: I have a gun?
Simmons: Okay, okay. I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.
Donut: You helped the Blues.
Simmons: And fooled them.
Donut: You knocked Sarge out. Twice!
Simmons: Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. ...And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures, but look just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell even Grif knows it's me.
Donut: Oh sure, everyone knows who you are but me.
Simmons: No, the Blues don't know either.
Cut to Church and Sheila
Church: Hey Sheila where'd that Simmons guy go that was spyin' on us?
Sheila: I don't know, why don't you go ask your new jeep?
Cut back to the portcullis
Sarge: What's all this racket?
Donut: There's an enemy tryin' to get in to the base.
Donut: Right there.
Sarge: ...Where, behind Simmons?
Simmons: He means me, Sir.
Donut: Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Simmons: Donut I did tell you it was me.
Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."
Simmons: I am me.
Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
Simmons: That's because Ah'm me.
Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.
Simmons: Well, now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.
Sarge: I don't want to hear it, Blue.
Simmons: What? This is valuable information about the war.
Sarge: There's no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!
Simmons: But Sir, I only did that because noone would believe me about the tank.
Donut: Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father, that he displaces on you.
Simmons: No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.
Sarge: Alright, enough. The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is gettin' Court-Martialed.
Grif: Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror. Well, I'll go pack mah bags... Nice workin' with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.
Cut to Tucker and Caboose who's carrying Andy approaching Blue Base
Church: Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?
Church: Hey where's Tex?
Church: Where's the alien?
Church: Well how'd the quest go?
Church: Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.
Andy: Eh I wouldn't say "failed," but these guys definitely screwed it up royally.
Tucker: What? We didn't do anything!
Andy: Exactly. You let Tex do all the work and got the alien killed.
Tucker: Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up.
Caboose: It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.
Church: Well is Tex okay?
Tucker: She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.
Tucker: Seriously, stop it.
Church: Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?
Tucker: Tell you when, we just got here.
Church: Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest.
Andy: Eh, I really wouldn't say "failed" here...
Tucker: This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food.
Church: Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?
Tucker: Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck.
Church: I said new information.
Tucker: Don't we have anything to eat in this place?