|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||September 5, 2005|
In Blood Gulch, Red Team takes potshots at Grif with their sniper rifles in order to get him to stop screaming. Grif eventually relents, and the team prepares to investigate their old base. Sarge, completely unaware that Sheila is roaming around behind him, gives a speech about alertness.
Meanwhile, the Blues prepare to hunt the Alien that snuck-up on Church. When asked about the Alien's whereabouts, Andy proves unhelpful, merely offering insults instead. Suddenly, the Blues spot the Alien, causing them to fire wildly and run away in panic - with the exception of Caboose, who at a safe distance the whole time simply asks "Did we win?". The episode ends with Andy laughing at and mocking the sudden retreat.
Fade into Grif still yelling like a walrus.
Grif: Nooooooooooo- Whoa!
He starts running back and forth to avoid sniper shots.
Grif: No! No no no!!
Sarge: That was close!
Simmons: Thank you, sir!
Sarge: Donut, you're going outta turn.
Donut: I thought I went after Simmons.
Sarge: No, we go in line. It goes you then me, then Simmons, then back down to me then you, then me then me, then Simmons then me then me then Simmons, me, me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you. Me. Then me again. It makes perfect sense!
Simmons: But doesn't that mean you go twice as much? Or, ten times as much?
Sarge: This is the best game since Grifball.
Grif: I'm not comin' down!
Sarge: Hey Grif! Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!
Sarge fires again, but misses as Grif ducks.
Sarge: No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!
Simmons: Wait a minute, that was my turn!
Sarge: This is the Lightning Round.
Simmons: Who's in the Lightning Round--
Grif: Alright, fuck this, I'm comin' down!
Sarge fires again
Grif: OW! I said I'm comin' down!
Sarge: Hyaha, buzzer beater! Take that you stupid duck.
Cut to Caboose, Tucker, Tex, and Ghost-Church standing outside the complex
Tucker: We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there.
Caboose: Or, eating Church!
Tex: Alright then. Let's roll.
Church: Okay... Here we go...
Tucker: ...Uh, we're not moving.
Church: Yeah, yeah, okay. (clears throat) Here we go.
Tucker: ...We're still not moving.
Caboose: Does talking count as moving?
Tex: (stepping forward) All right, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.
Cut back to Blood Gulch, outside the Red Base.
Sarge: All right, men. Stay out of sight. We have to be prepared for anything.
Grif: Uh, why are we hiding from our own base?
Sarge: Because, we have no idea what's inside.
Simmons: Anything could have occupied the base after we jumped into the future.
Donut: Oh my God! What if we're in there?
Grif: Yeah--no, wait. Aren't we out here?
Donut: I mean past versions of ourselves. We could go in there and meet ourselves. Oh man, we'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common. Finally, someone who shares the pain.
Simmons: Donut, that's not how time travel works. We don't leave copies of ourselves behind, and even if we did they'd all be eight hundred years old. They'd all be dead by now.
Donut: Speak for yourself, I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this awesome diet!
Sarge: Still doing that high fat-low fibre-liquid diet where you drink nothing but bacon grease?
Donut: Nah, that was just a fad.
Sarge: What's the new one?
Donut: I only eat foods that begin with vowels.
Simmons: That sounds really hard, what did you have for breakfast?
Donut: Eggs and Oreos. And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos.
Grif: Holy crap, I've been on that diet for years! I had no idea I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even know what asparagus is.
Sarge: All right men, stop your chatterboxin'. We've got to keep our eyes open for any sign of enemy activity.
A tank closely resembling Sheila rides by in the background.
Sarge: I can't have you not paying attention. You have to be alert!
Grif, Simmons, and Donut follow the tank with their eyes and heads.
Sarge: Constant vigilance. Composed, attentive!
The three stooges look back at Sarge.
Sarge: See? That's much better.
Cut to Tucker sneaking up on an empty hallway.
Church: Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?
Tucker: No way, I'd rather have a gun.
Church: But I've got a gun.
Tucker: What're you gonna do, shoot it with ghost bullets?
Church: Okay yeah, that's a good point.
Tucker: Hey I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet.
Tex: (from below) Hey, see anything?
Church: You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something.
Church heads for a window.
Church: Hey. Andy. Andy!
Andy: Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!
Church: Hey, up yours.
Andy: You back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-o'clock!
Church: Where's that big alien thing?
Andy: I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass.
Tex: Is this bomb giving you a hard time?
Andy: I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have, a crying contest?
Church: Hey look, there's my body, right there.
Tucker: Huh? There it is!
Church: Jesus, run!!
Tucker, Church and Tex fire randomly in every direction except the one the alien is in
Tucker: Oh my God oh my God oh my God what the fuck is that thing!?
Tucker: Women and children last!
All three jump from various orifices of the building toward Caboose
Church: Run run run run run run runn!
Andy: Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!
Tucker: Ahhh, run run run run run!
Caboose: Did we win?
Tucker: Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!
Andy: Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!
Andy continues to laugh derisively.
Andy: You're killing me! Haha ha (cough)
- This episode marks the first mention of Grifball.