|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"I Just Spied in Your Arms Tonight"|
|Airdate||December 17, 2013|
After realizing that the NSA have the ability to spy on gamers within first-person shooter video games, Simmons takes action to fight against them.
Fade into Sarge and Grif standing next to each other.
Sarge: Why hello. I'm Sarge from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.
Grif: And I'm Dexter Grif. We're here today to make a pubic service announcement about the dangers... of twerking.
Simmons runs towards Sarge and Grif.
Simmons: Stop! Guys, stop the video! Something terrible has happened! I just found out that the NSA's been spying on everybody! And not just phone calls, social medias, and emails; they're even spying on people in video games.
Grif: Aw man, video games? Well, as long as they're not spying on our porn I guess we're okay.
Simmons: Yeah, that too!
Grif: This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
Simmons: The NSA not only collected data on gamers, they even planted virtual double agents in tons of online first person shooters! They were trying to find people that might exhibit violent tendencies.
Sarge: (chuckles) Does anyone not exhibit violent tendencies while playing a first person shooter?
Grif: Yeah, I bet if we came across one of their so called 'spies', they'd stick out like a sore thumb.
Caboose suddenly appears. Grif and Sarge turn towards him.
Caboose: Um hello. Yes. Would anyone like to blow up something with me today?
Simmons: Not now Caboose. And for the last time, would you quit eavesdropping on us constantly?!
Caboose: Oh yes, of course! I'll just add a note that you are making secret plans to our massive database- I mean my diary!
Simmons: Look Sarge, we've just got to be really careful about what we say now in case the NSA's listening. We don't want them to think we're terrorists. And that's why I've taken the liberty of intercepting all communications in the canyon.
Simmons steps back and reveals a communication machine.
Sarge: You did what?!
Simmons: It's time to start laying down some ground rules. Sarge according on my records, you use the phone at least once a day to call text for support.
Simmons presses a button on the machine
Sarge: (recording) All right I plugged it back in, now its just blinking at me.
Lopez: (recording) (Está funcionando) It's working.
Sarge: (recording) Are you sure?
Lopez: (recording) (Sí) Yes.
Sarge: (recording) Yeah is there anyone else I can talk to about this? Maybe your manager?
Lopez: (recording) (Yo soy el presidente) I'm the President.
Sarge: And just what exactly was wrong with that?
Simmons: Uh sir, have you ever considered that Lopez might be an illegal alien? If the NSA found out we'd be in trouble for sure.
Sarge: Lopez? He told me his name was Tim... from Ohio.
Simmons: I'm taking away your phone privileges sir.
Simmons: That goes for you too, Grif.
Grif: What? What did I do?
Simmons: My records show over the past two months you made seven-hundred-eighty-two prank calls. All of them to Sarge.
Sarge: Prank calls? Why you dirty little-
A nearby phone rings
Sarge: Whoop, that's for me. Back in a gip.
Sarge leaves while humming a tune.
Grif: I have an automated machine.
Grif: Play schedule recordings of me pretending to be different people.
Simmons: Grif, if the NSA found out you were providing false information over the phone we would be screwed!
Grif: You know, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you going through all our stuff.
Simmons: Trust me Grif, it's for the greater good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Tucker about the dangers of Snapchat.
Simmons begins to leave
Grif: Hold on a second Simmons, your going about this all wrong.
Simmons: Huh? What do you mean?
Grif: We shouldn't be trying to hide what we say from the NSA, we should be focusing on getting them to stop spying on us on the first place.
Simmons: Well how are we suppose to do that?
The video stops and begins again.
Red vs. Blue: A Message to the Children
Grif: Hello, I'm Dexter Grif from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And I'm private Dick Simmons from the same show.
Grif: Today, we'd like to deliver a message to the children.
Simmons: Specifically, the early teens.
Grif: Over the past few years, your kind have become champions of social media, and video games, and basically anything that can just be classified as a distraction.
Simmons: Posting and tweeting about every insignificant moment of your life.
Grif: Using five-hundred dollar gaming consoles to tell someone from another country, that your banging their mom, or their grandma. Sometimes their dad.
Simmons: And complaining about pretty much everything.
Grif: To those of you who would take part in these activities, we ask... that you do it more.
Grif: Don't ever stop.
Simmons: In fact start doing it via telephone.
Grif: Call your grandma and tell her all about your favorite pop star while tea-bagging some loser in Capture the Flag.
Simmons: Then throw some shitty song lyrics on a gif, and email it to everyone you know.
Grif: But not until you first posted a vague, emotional status update on Facebook, followed closely and quickly by an ellipses with a frowny reaction.
Simmons: You see, if the NSA wants to look at every text, call, and internet search we make, then it's up to the people to make them suffer through it.
Grif: And if we're lucky, then maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that we're all just a bunch of self-absorbed idiots that aren't worth spying on. Remember, it's for the greater good.
Caboose: Oh no.
Simmons and Grif look to see Caboose standing next to a pile of explosive barrels.
Caboose: Someone has left this highly volatile and explosive material lying around. How dangerous. (pauses) Or fun.
Fade to black as Caboose shoots the canisters, causing them to explode.
Caboose: Yeah, I'll put that in the database.
- The title of this PSA is a reference to the song "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew.