|Red vs. Blue Episode|
Church and Simmons give some tips on how to survive the rising price of gasoline, such as the alternative of milk, or walking to work, though it is more expensive. Sarge tries to convince them that gas actually comes from dinosaurs.
Fade in to Simmons and Church standing next to a smoking Warthog
Simmons: Hi everyone. I'm Private Dick Simmons.
Church: And I'm Private Church. We're here to talk to you about the soaring costs of energy prices. Specifically, gasoline.
Simmons: Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities, just to afford to drive to work.
Church: Not me; I just quit going to work.
Simmons: To help understand the seemingly never-ending rise in gas prices, I asked my good friend Church to build us a primer to explain the complex economic system behind gasoline production and distribution.
Church: Yeah, that actually turned out to be a lot more reading than I thought, so I just rented a copy of Mad Max instead. From what I can tell the gas crisis has something to do with people in Australia that really like S&M and bondage.
Sarge: You knuckleheads have got it completely wrong as usual. High gas prices aren't caused by supply and demand, it's all the taxes!
Sarge: That's right! Don't you know for every dollar you spend on regular unleaded gasoline, the Government takes a hundred and thirty-seven cents!
Simmons: Sir, I think that your math might be a little off.
Sarge: And they tax ya more for the good stuff! That's why mid-grade and premium are always exactly ten cents more per gallon - no matter how much regular costs.
Church: That doesn't make any sense. Or wait, does it.
Sarge: Besides, everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs. If we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less, it's to kill more dinosaurs.
Church: All the dinosaurs are already dead.
Sarge: It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns in to oil when it dies. So remember: if you wanna be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing ya see! And bury it.
Simmons: But that process takes millions of years!
Sarge: I've got time.
Cut to Grif's arm sticking out of a grave marked "HERE LIES
Grif: Let me outta here! There's worms!
Sarge: Gentlemen we could debate the fine points all day. But the fact remains a gallon of gas still costs less today, than a gallon of milk.
Church: Yeah but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
Sarge: Maybe you don't.
Simmons: Well, we may never figure out why gas costs so much, but you can at least take steps to save money. First, try cutting out other petroleum based products besides gasoline, like parafin wax, lube oil, synthetic latex, and rubber.
Church: Man, Donut just saved a ton of money right there.
Simmons: Of course the easiest way to save is on your commute. Like try switching your current daily driver to a smaller vehicle, instead of the full-size you probably drive now.
Church: Or you could try carpooling to work. Or how about this, how about you use your own two feet and walk?
Sarge: Ah, don't be a pussy.
Simmons: Of course, cutting back on the amount of gas you use can be difficult. Most people have a near insatiable thirst for gas. I know I do.
Caboose: Me too. I drank two gallons this morning.
Simmons: Caboose, I wasn't using the word "thirst" literally.
Caboose: Oh. My tummy feels a little weird.
Caboose belches fire.
Church: You know that can actually be a lot of fun at parties.
Simmons: Huh, I'm just glad it came out his mouth.
Sarge hops in the passenger seat of the Warthog
Sarge: Hey Simmons, give me a ride back to base.
Simmons: Yes Sir!
Simmons joins Sarge in the Warthog, then fails to turn the engine over
Sarge: Oh, great. Anybody got a gallon of unleaded?
Church: How 'bout a jug of milk?