|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||April 24, 2007|
Loading... is the eighteenth episode of the fifth season, the ninety-fifth of the Blood Gulch Chronicles, and the 100th episode overall.
As the episode opens, the transfer of Sheila finishes, and Sheila's personality surfaces within the ship. She briefly converses with Caboose and reflects on her new home. She asks if Caboose wants to run the tutorial program, but he wisely turns down the offer, keeping in mind what happened the last time he ran through the tutorial.
Down in the cavern, the Reds are still watching the computer and see Tex, Church and Tucker invading their Base. Humiliated, Sarge decides they need to get back up into the canyon to take it back. He gets little help from Simmons, who is obsessively watching the screen, hoping to see Sister naked again. However, as he gives his brave, patriotic pep-talk, a Red flag descends behind him, and the Red anthem plays, much to his team's confusion. He is interrupted by Simmons wondering why they don't just take over the empty Blue Base. Agreeing to this plan, they set out for the surface, but are stymied by an inability to find exactly where the Blue Base is. Donut realizes that the two Blue corpses must be almost directly below Blue Base, to which Simmons mutters, in a moment of foreshadowing, "I though the Blues had three dead guys."
Back up at the ship, Sheila finishes running her diagnostic. Caboose asks her if she knows where Tex is. Sheila asks why; Caboose tells her it is because they want to know where O'Malley is.
The scene then cuts to the canyon's caves, where Sister, Doc, and Junior are lost. Sister finds a robotic, severed head, which Doc confirms is Lopez. Seeing that Sister can speak Spanish, Doc tells her to inform Lopez that he is no longer possessed by O'Malley.
Over at Red Base, Tucker, Church and Tex survey their new acquisition. Tex, however, is interrupted by a frantic call from Caboose, telling her where O'Malley is. As Tucker and Church discuss how they now have two bases in the middle of a box canyon, Tex aims her rifle squarely at Church's head with the comment, "Don't move, O'Malley." Church, in his typically laconic manner, responds, "Oh, crap," thereby ending the episode.
Fade in on the computer readouts inside the ship
Sheila: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808- wait a minute. Where am I?
Caboose: Sheila! You're awake! I am so happy, look- we got you a new place to live. Now you are the big ship lady.
Sheila: I like it. It is so roomy. Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.
Caboose: And now... you can fly.
Sheila: Are you the pilot Caboose? Shall I run the tutorial program?
Caboose: Mmm, yeah. Uh, let's not do that right now.
Cut to the underground viewscreen the Reds are looking at
Sarge: Look they're invading our base! And we're not even there to defend it. Oh the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon. This is the moment we've all been training for!
Grif: Training? We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?
Sarge: Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head. Simmons? Simmons!
Simmons: Uh huh, yeah, I agree. Everything you say is right, Red Team's great... hooray.
Sarge: Simmons, stop watching those T.V.s.
Donut: Yeah, Simmons, give it up. There's not gonna be any more pictures of naked girls on there.
Simmons: Shut up, you don't know that. Stop saying that. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Sarge: Men, this won't be easy. The Blues will be totally bunkered down. At both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage! But we're the Red Team.
A flag comes into view behind Sarge, and someone starts singing
Sarge: Sure, you might not be the best squad... might not be smart... or energetic, or have any skills that qualify you for duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-
Donut: Where did that flag come from?
Grif: Flag, who gives a fuck about the flag? How about who's singing?
Sarge: But with precise operations, and proper communication, we will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as part of a cunning distraction by yours truly.
The singing stops
Simmons: Why don't we just take over Blue Base?
Sarge: Nonsense! At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!
Simmons: Blue Base has no one in it.
Simmons: Look, see? They're all gone.
Sarge: Where'd they go?
Donut: They went to Red Base. That's what we've been talking about.
Grif: But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base? I'm all turned around down here.
Donut: I have an idea.
Cut to the Reds standing over the bodies of the two Blue corpses
Donut: See, these are dead Blues.
Sarge: Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses. Sicko.
Donut: Don't you get it? When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too.
Simmons: I thought the Blues had three dead guys.
Donut: So that means, we're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind.
Sarge: Cavernous conundrum, he's right! Let's go, men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! On to glorious victory!
Simmons: Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate.
Sarge: On to equilibrium, then?
Simmons: Yeah, that'll work.
Grif: Huhh, this war sucks.
Cut back to Caboose and Sheila
Sheila: Diagnostic complete.
Caboose: Um, Sheila have you seen Tex?
Sheila: No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home. I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear. But I require a replacement ignition coil to become functional. Do you have an ignition coil Private Caboose?
Caboose: Um no, uh but Tex wanted me to tell her when you started talking. Um... and I'm supposed to find her.
Sheila: My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.
Caboose: Um, no, that's the worst kind of base.
Sheila: Why did she want to speak to me?
Caboose: Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.
Sheila: Oh. Of course. Would you like to know where O'Malley is, Caboose?
Cut to the cave Sister, Doc, and Junior went in
Sister: So by the time I got home it was four A-M, and when my Mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding around on the train all night, which I guess is technically true...
Doc: Uh yeah, we don't have to talk about stuff any more. Let's just walk. And not talk. Ever again.
Sister: Come on little guy, hurry up!
Sister: Oh my God, head.
Doc: Okay please, really, no more stories.
Sister: Seriously, it's a head. Look.
Lopez: Hola. [Yo.]
Doc: Oh. It's you.
Lopez: Lo que sea. Tal forma de tratar a su secuaz. Se han ido por días e incluso no me buscan. [Whatever. Some way to treat your sidekick. Gone for days and you don't even look for me.]
Sister: You know him?
Doc: You speak Spanish?
Sister: Uh, of course I do, it's the year twenty-five hundred and I'm from America.
Doc: Aoh, cool. Tell him O'Malley is gone.
Sister: O'Malley no está aquí ya fue.
Lopez: Tu español es horrible. [Your Spanish sucks.]
Sister: Who's O'Malley?
Cut to the Red Base, which the Blues have infiltrated
Church: Alright, well, I guess let's break up into teams and search the base.
Tex: Got it.
Caboose: Tex! Tex are you there, Tex? I know who O'Malley is!
Tucker: It looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?
Church: I s'pose so. I guess we have two bases, in the middle of a box canyon now.
Tucker: Whoopdie fuckin' doo.
Church: Right Tex?
Tex: (aiming her gun at Church) Don't move, O'Malley.
Church: Oh, crap.
- Church and Tucker's conversation about having two bases in a boxed canyon is a direct reference to Grif and Simmons' conversation in Why Are We Here?