|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||August 4, 2014|
- Several Partygoers
Hey fellas, need some help with the ladies? Tucker and Simmons can be your wingmen! Just know that with their help... you’ll probably be single forever.
Fade in to Valhalla, where Tucker and Simmons are seen.
Tucker: Sup, guys? I'm Lavernius Tucker from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And I am Dick Simmons from the same show.
Tucker: Now, I know what you're thinking: how does this blue guy have time to star in such hilarious internet videos when he's so busy being a space-faring, sword wielding, super-soldier chick magnet?
Simmons: And you're probably asking yourself a similar question about me. I mean let's be honest, all the ladies are lining up to get some Dick...Simmons!
Silence. Crows are heard cawing in the background
Tucker: Well the answer to your question is years of experience! Which is why I'm ready to tell you fellas how to score the ladies when you're out on the town!
Simmons: And you know from my years of experience with the internet, I'm here to inform you all about the technologically superior form of social interaction: online dating!
Tucker: Now the first step to hooking up with a hot chick is knowing where to look.
Cut to Tucker standing in the front of a line to a nightclub.
Tucker: Typically, the best place to start going on the prowl is at a nightclub. Be sure to find the darkest one with the loudest of music and the biggest crowds.
Male Partygoer: Hey bro, you're holding up the line!
Tucker: Come on man, I'm trying to do a thing.
Cut back to Tucker and Simmons
Simmons: Why does the club have to be dark?
Tucker: I'm glad you asked, Simmons!
On screen text appears in and out as Tucker speaks:
Studies not based on factual information, observations, or anything really. I'm gonna be 100% honest with you, I highly suggest you not listen to ANYTHING these guys say.
Tucker: Studies show that poor lighting conceals blemishes and improves appearances by 35 percent, so all club patrons immediately seem more attractive than they actually are.
Cut to Sister and a male partygoer inside a nightclub.
Sister: (yelling) HEY, YOU LOOK HOTT!
Partygoer: (yelling back) THANKS! IT'S PROBABLY CAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE MY HORRIFIC FACIAL SCAR! HAHA!
Back to Tucker talking
Tucker: Loud music is key because it eliminates the possibility of a conversation going beyond superficial small-talk. Does she want to talk about something you don't care for? Just act like you can't hear her.
Back to Sister and the partygoer
Sister: IS THAT A HORRIFIC FACIAL SCAR?
Partygoer: (ignoring Sister) YEAH, THIS SONG IS GREAT!
Back to Tucker
Tucker: And lastly, the larger the crowd the better. Statistically speaking, the more people there are, the better your chances are of getting laid. That's just science!
Simmons: Alternatively, you can use the miracle of the web to search for your soulmate from the comfort of your own home. Nowadays, there's a plethora of dating resources to choose from like Match.com, OKCupid, or even Craigslist! But if you're like me and want to keep social interaction to a minimum, then there's always good ol' Tinder!
Tucker: Please Simmons, tell us more about this "Tinder".
Simmons: Personally, I swipe "yes" for every woman because it's mor efficient than taking the time to judge each individual female. I've averaged 134 swipes per minute!
Tucker: I like the way you think, Simmons.
Simmons: Eventually, if someone swipes you into their "yes" category, you're matched with them in a private chat.
Tucker: Which brings us to our next topic: Talking to women.
Simmons: When matched with someone on Tinder, immediately send them a message to show them your go-getter attitude. If they don't respond in a few seconds, continue sending them messages. They're either testing you or they may just be shy, so comfort them with a wide variety with emoji and emoticons.
Tucker: Does eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D count as an emoticon? Bow chicka bow wow.
Simmons: Don't be afraid to ask your match the hard-hitting questions. You'll want to establish an emotional connection right off the bat, so really get into the intimate details of their life. Things like, "Where do you live?" or "What's your relationship like with your father?" Soon, they'll be dying to meet you in real life.
Tucker: Once you've spotted a mark at the club, take the time to appreciate their body.
Cut to Tucker staring at a female partgoer inside a club.
Tucker: (voice over) They've worked hard for it, so show them that you're impressed by staring them up and down. After an appropriate 5 to 30 minutes of admiring their body, approach the female.
Tucker approaches the female partygoer and starts talking
Tucker: (voice over) You can then make your presence known by delivering a well thought-out and reversed pick up line. Such as...
Tucker yells at the female partygoer.
Tucker: (shouting) HEY HOT STUFF! NICE LEGS! What time do they open? SO WE CAN--
The female partygoer shoots Tucker in the face
Tucker: OHHHH, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A HORRIFIC SCAR!
Cut back to Tucker talking in Valhalla
Tucker: Remember: If at first you don't succeed, there's probably a hospital nearby! If you followed my step-by-step guide, you should be well on your way to a fiery night with at least two Brazilian super-models.
Simmons: And if you followed my guide, you will have arranged a date with one of your matches. Hopefully, someplace classy. Not super-classy, though. Just like... a place with unlimited salad and breadsticks.
Tucker: But in the event that you haven't sealed the deal with any super-models, because you royally screwed up my bulletproof advice, you can always try and salvage the night by finding the emotionally vulnerable.
Cut to the outside of a nightclub. Tucker approaches a female partygoer standing alone.
Tucker: Hey sweet cheeks, you seem upset. Anything I can do for you?
Lonely Female Partygoer: (sadly) I was meeting someone on a date, but it looks like they ditched me.
Simmons suddenly appears from behind a corner.
Simmons: (frantic) She sent me a winking smiley face! This is getting too serious!
Cut back to Tucker and Simmons
Tucker: So there you have it. With a little practice, you'll be reeling in all the ladies at the club.
Simmons: And once you've exhausted every potential match on Tinder, you can move on to other dating applications. Like Hot or Not!
The lonely female partygoer from the nightclub appears once again
Lonely Female Partygoer: (to Simmons) Hey, are you ScilonSlayer19?
Simmons: Ehhh, GOTTA GO! (runs off)
Lonely Female Partygoer: Wait! You get over here right now! (chases after Simmons)
Camera pans out as Tucker closes.
Tucker: Psh. Some dudes just don't get women like I do. Lavernius Tucker: Love Doctor Extraordin--OOPH!
Tucker gets run over by a Warthog, occupied by Carolina, Emily Grey, and Kimball.
Carolina: Nobody here had a problem with that, right?
Kimball: Not at all.
Fade to black
- Images from this wiki are used in this PSA.
- This is the first time Carolina, Kimball, and Dr. Grey appear in a PSA.
- This is also the first time Sister has appeared since her deleted scene from Season 9, and her first time being depicted in the Halo 4 engine.
- This is the second time that Tucker says his famous catchphrase, "Bow Chicka Bow Wow," in a PSA, the first being in Planning to Fail.
- Tucker calling himself a "love doctor extraordinare" refers back to him telling Doc that he is a "love doctor PHD" in Season 5.