|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Nine Tenths of the Law"|
|Airdate||March 19, 2004|
The episode opens up with Sarge and Donut standing on top of Red Base. As Donut carries on a one-sided conversation with Sarge, Grif and Simmons return from Blue Base. Simmons, with some "help" from Grif, informs Sarge of their resulting "exchange" with Blue Team, revealing that Doc wasn't taken back as previously hoped for. Sarge exhibits disappointment, but is told by Grif that it wasn't a "total loss" as he was able to steal one of the Blue's wallet. Sarge sarcastically displays hope for Grif as a "respectable soldier", but quickly upbraids him and tells him to leave the money on his nightstand.
At Blue Base, Tucker is asked for ideas in regards to fixing Church's damaged legs. Tucker suggests they call in a professional to fix his legs, as well as Sheila, as pulling out wires did not seem to work. Church initially agrees to this, but declines to do so. Caboose then suggests an idea of his own, indicating that Church could temporarily leave "his" body so that Lopez can properly do the repairs himself. Tucker and Church unexpectedly agree to the idea, noting that it came from Caboose, considering his menial intellect. Church then relinquishes control over Lopez's body, telling Tucker and Caboose to watch over him. However the two are immediately distracted, allowing Lopez to hastily escape. Church appears in his ghostly form next to them and asks where "his" body went. Tucker turns around to see Lopez running towards Red Base, noting that the legs are finally working. Caboose, through the influence of his voice, attempts to shoot Lopez with the sniper rifle, but is stopped by Church. Church quickly tells Tucker and Caboose to go through the teleporter in order to cut Lopez off as he attempts to thwart his escape. Church disappears, but Tucker doesn't go through the teleporter out of fear of getting hurt again. He instead throws a grenade through the teleporter.
Halfway through the canyon, Church appears in front of Lopez and tells him to stop. Lopez doesn't comply and continues running. Church tells him to come back, but is interrupted by a blast when Tucker's grenade detonates after coming through the receiver end of the teleporter.
The resulting explosion catches the attention of Red Team, who interprets it as an uncoordinated attack by Blue Team. Sarge, excited to fight, boards the warthog in retaliation. Simmons, who is also anxious to fight, accompanies him, leaving Grif alone with Donut to guard Red Base.
Opening shot of the sun over Blood Gulch. It slides down to reveal Sarge and Donut watching over the canyon from Red Base.
Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (whistles casually) So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on elbow grease. ...When you die, can I have your armor?
Simmons comes up the ramp behind them.
Simmons: Hey, we're back!
Sarge and Donut turn around.
Donut: Oh man, am I glad to see you guys! Sarge would not stop talking. Seriously.
Sarge: Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?
Grif runs up and stands next to Simmons.
Simmons: (sighs) Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the Blues were doing something, REALLY weird and then w-
Grif: Really weird! And they were rude!
Simmons: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.
Grif: (half heartedly) Excuse me! Go ahead!
Simmons: (to Sarge) Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.
Grif: You're not telling it right.
Simmons: Okay, fine, how do you remember it?
Grif: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss-ass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.
Simmons: ANYWAY, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.
Camera zooms in on Sarge.
Sarge: Why those cunning, blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?
Grif: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.
Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.
Grif: Really, sir?
Sarge: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!
Cut to the Blues.
Church: Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do, man? I gotta get my legs working, here.
Tucker: I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.
Church: Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior El Roboto and Tex.
Caboose: Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.
Tucker: Yeah, dead people usually are.
Church: Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.
Caboose: What about that Lopez person? Is he available?
Church: No. I'm in his body, remember?
Caboose: Well, why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!
Church: What're you, a retard?
Caboose: I-I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and ah, the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me, uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.
Tucker: I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea.
Church: I know...
Tucker: But Caboose said it.
Church: I know!
Tucker hits Church with his pistol.
Church: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Tucker: I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.
Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!
Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
Church: If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!
Tucker: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Church: Let's try this. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?
Tucker and Caboose: Okay, Church.
Church: (clears throat) Alright, here's goes nothing. Hegerkerker. (Church leaves Lopez's body)
Tucker: You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea.
Caboose: Aw, thanks, man. It was nothing. (Lopez looks around, apparently confused)
Tucker: No, no, you really contributed, and that's what it's all about. (Lopez turns around and runs off the base)
Caboose: You know, I just enjoy the process.
Church: (back to being a ghost) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man, I forgot how good this feels.. kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?
Tucker: What do you care about you body, you can't even move your- (turns around to see Lopez running away) Oh hey, look, your legs work!
O'Malley: (holding up the sniper rifle) This one is mine! (he shoots)
Church: Hey, Caboose! Whoa, cut it out, man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there. (he fades away)
Tucker: There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look, dude, I'm just not going back through the teleporter, okay?
Caboose: But Church said so-
Tucker: Yeah, but Church didn't think of THIS! (he throws a grenade through the teleporter) Come on, lets go. (he runs off the base)
Cut to Lopez near the teleporter's exit. Church appears in front of him.
Church: Alright, hold it right there, amigo.
The grenade comes out the teleporter exit.
Lopez: Mira, que cosa mas fina. (runs away)
Church: Hey, I said hold it not run away! You big... robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade. ...Ah crap. (it explodes)
Cut to the explosion being seen from Red Base through a sniper held by Grif. Cut to normal view of Grif with Simmons standing next to him while Sarge approaches them.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is going on out there, Grif?
Grif: Sir, I think we're under attack. A very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.
Sarge: How many do you see?
Scope view of Tucker and Caboose running toward them.
Grif: There's two coming our way and another one seems to be... (sees Lopez) ...retreating?
Cut to normal view of the Reds.
Sarge: Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Saddle up, Simmons. Let's go rope us some blue steer!
Simmons and Sarge run off the base.
Simmons: Alright, yeah!
Sarge: Yeah, woohoo, let's go! Alright!
Simmons: Let's do it!
Donut stands next to Grif.
Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base.. That's cool!
Grif: Shut up, rookie.
Donut: Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff...
Grif: (while Donut babbles, most of his lines overlap) Oh my god. I'm not gonna be listening to this all day long.
Donut: He showed me a picture of his mother, we talked about home decorating-
Grif: Are you ever going to SHUT UP?
Donut: -we made macrame ideas-
Grif: Jesus Christ!
Donut: -we shared recipes for soufflés. Oh man, it was such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings-
Grif: (exhasperated sigh) Ugh.. god..
Donut: -and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school-
Grif: Jesus Christ... You've got to be kidding me. Oh man... I don't wanna listen to this...
Donut: -and, you know, all the kids made fun of us, but we had a really great time! I mean, Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that, uh.. some shit happened.
Grif: Why me?
- In the original version of this episode, Tucker was accidently colored Teal instead of Cyan. This was corrected in the remastered version.