|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Red vs. Blue: The Musical"|
|Airdate|| September 4, 2016 (sponsors)|
September 5, 2016 (RT users)
September 11, 2016 (public)
|Writer(s)|| Nico Audy-Rowland|
|Director(s)|| Nico Audy-Rowland|
Red vs. Blue: The Musical is the eighteenth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 14. It aired on September 4th, 2016 for sponsors, September 5th, 2016 for Rooster Teeth site users, and September 11th, 2016 for the general public. It is the 300th episode overall.
- Tex (Mentioned only)
- Several soldiers
Open up on space background
Vic: You ever have a song stuck in your head? Yeah, me too. Over 5000, to be exact. Agent Florida downloaded his entire music library to my hard drives before kickin' the aspirin-filled bucket. Dude was really big into Bare Naked Ladies. But, for me, my heart goes out to the classics: hip-hop, tejano folk fusion, and...musical theater.
Title card and cut to Grif and Simmons standing on red base.
Simmons: [singing] Hey?
Grif: [also singing] Yeah?
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: It's one of life's mysteries, why are we standing here? Is there a plan? Is there a god?
Simmons: [no longer singing] What? No, I mean, why are we out here, singing?
Oh look, Sarge is behind them.
Sarge: [singing] To kill them dirty blues. Jazz hands.
Simmons: Oh, Sarge, we didn't see you there.
Sarge: Boys, I've got some news that's going to blow your minds! And those dirty blues into teeny tiny pieces!
Grif: [sarcastically] I can hardly contain myself.
Sarge: We've just received a new shipment of weaponry from command, that fills my heart with some sort of new emotion I've never felt before. It makes me feel warm, and want to smile!
Simmons: Um, Sir, I think that's called happiness.
Sarge: It's disgusting.
Grif: So what the hell is it?
Cut to them now in the field in front of red base.
Sarge: Ladies, allow me to introduce you to...The M41 surface-to-surface rocket medium anti-vehicle assault weapon. But I like to call it "The Spanker".
Grif: "The Spanker"? Why the hell would you call it that?
Sarge: I'm glad you asked!
Everyone sings from this point out.
Sarge: [now singing] Well these letters on the side here, the big SPNKR, Stand for: Sayonara, See ya later, Au revoir. See the Blues have had it coming, with their fancy ghosts and tanks, but with this gun, our battle's won, 'cause it don't just kill, it spanks!
Grif: Sarge, that name sounds really stupid.
Simmons: Yeah it's really, not that great.
Donut: Oh come on, I kinda liked that one!
Sarge: This is not up for debate!
Simmons: Well if we put out heads together, we can find the perfect name.
Donut: Oh, can I go first? My head's fit to burst!
Grif: Oh god, this is so lame.
Sarge: It's an RPG, a Master Key, a projectile wreckin' ball. A big surprise, a little friend, Old Betsy, and the law. This lazy boy is my favorite toy, and I'll tell you fellas why: You lock your load, It shoots; explodes! and you blow them blues sky high. [chuckles]
They talk for a brief bit here.
Grif: Um, yeah, no, those all suck.
Sarge: Well, what would you suggest, Grif?
Grif: Something cool, like: "The Equalizer."
Simmons: "The Equalizer"?
Grif: What, you got any better ideas?
Donut: I do!
Everyone else: No one cares!
And back to singing.
Simmons: Well, based on the range of impact, I'd call it: "Simmon's Blaster"!
Grif: Why not: "BLUE-BE-GONE"? Or "Air Torpedo"?
Donut: Or why not: "Ass Disaster!"
Simmons: Those names are total garbage!
Grif: Oh right, as if you'd know?
Simmons: How 'bout "AT4"? Or "Gjallahorn"?
Lopez: Te odio pendejos. [I hate you assholes.]
Everyone: It's a BFG, Blue's Destiny, Heat seeking dead mans bomb. Where death begins, and their life ends, it's a hand held breath of god. Call her what you will, we got her set to kill, time to paint this canyon red!
Simmons: 'Cause this-
Sarge: Nuke tube!
Donut: Jack hammer!
All: Gut slammer?
Simmons: Pez dispenser!
Donut: Boom stick!
Simmons: Huge prick
All: Iron Churro Assembled Gun, Heavy Metal Big Bazooka!
Sarge: -means the no-good Blues are dead! Ha!
Back to talking, for a while.
Grif: But I mean, why can't we just call it: "The rocket launcher"?
Sarge: Because nothing rhymes with "launcher".
Cut to view from Church's sniper rifle.
Sarge: Now come on, we've got a whole crate full of these babies. It's time to devise our plan of attack!
Cut to a view of Church and Tucker on the cliff.
Church: Oh, that is just great.
Tucker: What is it?
Church: What is it? Didn't you just see the song and dance number?
Tucker: Uh, no, I can't see shit from up here.
Church: The Reds got a bunch of rocket launchers, and they're gonna attack blue base.
Tucker: Ohoho, I've got an idea!
Church: You do?
Tucker: Yeah! How 'bout you let me use the god damn sniper rifle, so I don't always have to ask you to explain shit!
Church sighs and the background fades to black, with a spotlight on Church. He starts singing really dramatically.
Church: Another day I'm stuck here, another day goes by.
Another day I ask myself: why do I even try.
These shitheads all around me? They poke and prod and pry.
Sometimes I wish that I'd just...
Cut to the rest of blue team standing there with him. They all talk mostly.
Tucker: Oh, come on, Church. Your life's not that bad.
Caboose: Yeah! Plus you already died once.
Church: And whose fault was that, Caboose?
Caboose: Tucker did it.
Tucker: Sheila did it!
Sheila: I would rather not get involved in this.
Church: All of you shut up! You want to know about my life? I'll tell you.
Back to singing.
Church: My 9-5 is filled with misery,
My girlfriend's always such a bitch to me,
I think my death count's pushing three,
I just don't get how this is hard to see,
And as I lie awake at night?
I. Just. Want. To. DIE!
Tucker: Oh please! [singing] You're overly dramatic.
Doc: You're clearly, asymptomatic.
Sheila: Your life is hardly, that traumatic.
Caboose: But your girlfriend is half aquatic...
Church: Y'know, I think I change my mind. I, wish, you'd, all, DIE!
Everyone starts talking in succession, and eventually are all talking over each other incomprehensibly.
Doc: C'mon buddy, you've got a good thing going for ya!
Tucker: Is that any way to talk to your team?
Caboose: Yeah! Or your girlfriend?
Church: No, really, guys- shut up.
Church: I had a whole song planned.
All: [more incomprehensible]
Church: Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!
Church: [half screaming, half singing] Living here's not going well!
This canyons my detention cell!
I feel the need to scream and yell!
I will you'd all burn in hell!
Church: Oh, oh, and it gets worse! I have been to jury duty 37 times! I always get the middle seat on flights! Last year, no one wished me happy birthday! Fuck all of you! Fuck everyone! And fuck this fucking song!
Music fades. Red team approaches in the distance.
Tucker: Uh, hey, Church?
Church: [sighing] What.
Tucker: The Reds are here.
Sarge: Attention Blue team! Prepare for your inevitable demise!
Church: [sighs] Yep. Okay.
Grif: Uh, stauncher. Uh...sponsor.
Simmons: Sponsor doesn't rhyme with launcher.
Grif: Dude, just roll with me on this, okay? I refuse to call these things-
Sarge: Men! Prepare to fire your "Name Pending Approval" devices.
Grif: Just call them fucking rocket launchers!
Tucker: Okay, Church, what's the plan here?
Church: At this point, I'm just thinking about letting them kill us all.
Sheila: You, have got to be kidding.
Church: I'm really, truly not.
Church: Okay. I've got it.
Church: I'm definitely gonna let them shoot us.
Each rocket launcher makes an anticlimactic click.
Donut: Uh, Sarge?
Sarge: Yes, Private Donut?
Donut: Do these rocket launchers feel a little light to you?
Sarge: ...well I just assumed it was because I'm in peak physical condition.
Grif: Oh god. You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Tucker: Holy shit. They don't have any ammo!
Church: God damn it.
Simmons: Why would command send us rocket launchers with no rockets?!
Grif: Who is running this army!?
Sarge: Alright men, initiate plan B: Let's bludgeon them to death!
Sheila: Bring it on, dead man!
Donut: Wait, wait!
Donut runs in-between Sarge and the Blues.
Donut: Sarge, why go with plan B? When we can go with: plan D!
Simmons: What the hell is that? Plan Donut?
Donut: Nope! The D stands for...Dance!
Groove music begins playing, along with glittering rainbow lights. Everyone looks around while Donut dances.
Grif: Uh, what is happening right now?
Church: I don't know, I just know that I hate it.
Sheila: Where is that music coming from?
Donut: Come on everybody; let's shake it out!
Doc: Well alright, a peaceful resolution.
Sheila: Set cannon to: Funk.
As the groove music continues, Tucker gets up and starts dancing.
Church: Tucker, what the hell are you doing?
Tucker: I can't help it, something's taking over!
Sheila: Oh yeah, move those treads!
All around Church, everyone begins dancing by doing squats in unison.
Donut: Everybody do-do the Chupacabra!
Cut to a wide shot of everyone. They all turn to face the other way to the beat.
Sheila: Boosting initiated.
While Sheila now sings, everyone except Church dances. It's even animated.
Church: What the fuck is happening right now?
They all continue dancing and or singing, this time featuring a sick move where they squat and do a rotating pelvic thrust.
Donut: Do-do-do-do-do-do-do the Chupa! Do-do-do-do-ah-ah do the Chupa!
Cut to Donut talking to himself, without any groove music.
Donut: Do the chup-do the chup-do the chup-do the
Sarge: Donut? Donut!
Cut to reveal that they're on Chorus, and the whole gang is there.
Grif: What the hell was that?
Donut: Uh, I was telling the story of Blood Gulch.
Tucker: What kind of messed up world do you live in?
Epsilon: I don't know, I think he captured me pretty well.
Simmons: Donut, none of that shit ever happened!
Donut: Well, maybe not in your version. I decided to spice things up! Add a little pizzazz. The original version was so boring: all we ever did was stand around and talk!
Doyle: [clears throat] Um, yes, so, did you actually have song and dance numbers, or...?
Donut: [sighs] Let's take it from the top!
- This episode actually takes place between You Know Who We Are and Prologue. It is revealed that the events of the episode are merely Donut's retelling of the events of Blood Gulch.
- Donut telling a story involving the Reds and Blues to the inhabitants of Chorus is similar to how Grif told a story about the Meta to the New Republic in Something Else Entirely.
- Captain Flowers being a fan of Barenaked Ladies is a reference to his voice actor, Ed Robertson, who is the lead singer of said band.
- Simmons calling "Gjallarhorn" to the rocket launcher is reference to one of Destiny's most popular weapons. Sarge also refers to it as "Chupathingy", a reference to the Warthog and Red Gets a Delivery.
- Church's graves are seen with the Star of David. This is due to Church being Jewish, which has been alluded to several times in the series and confirmed in Red vs. Blue: The Ultimate Fan Guide.
- This is the first time Church sings. He was one of the only original members of the team not to have a musical number, as Sarge had a musical number in Sarge's Blues, Grif and Simmons in Voting Fever, Donut in Donut: The Musical, Lopez in An Audience of Dumb, Tucker in Bow Chika Wow Wow Wow, and Caboose in Your Best Friend.
- Epsilon, however, had a musical number in I Am The Best.
- Grif yelling "Who is running this army?" after discovering that their rocket launchers never came with any extra ammo is a reference to the episode Head Noob in Charge, where Church yells the same question after discovering that Command gave them a tank that no one is qualified to drive.