|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Rules of the Game"|
Fade into Sarge and Caboose standing next to each other.
Sarge: Why hello, I'm Sarge from the popular web series Red vs Blue.
Caboose: And I'm standing next to him.
Sarge: You know the worlds of professional sports has seen some very unsportsmanlike conduct recently, drug use is rampant, players salaries are obscene.
Caboose: And tennis is still boring.
Sarge: That's why the world needs a new form of athletic entertainment, one that is not only fun and exciting, but appropriate for adults and children.
Caboose: And inappropriate for everyone else.
Sarge: Of course I'm talking about the sport that's sweeping the nation, the sport known as Grifball.
Caboose: It's fun because you get to use a hammer.
Sarge: And wholesome because you get to kill Grif with it.
Caboose: Over and over again!
Sarge: (chuckles) Exactly. But how do you play being hailed as the sport of the distant future? Well the rules are simple.
Caboose: Almost simple enough to understand!
Sarge: Before let's turn to our residents sports ecologists. Professor Simmons and Church.
Cut to the Grifball court with the music playing with Church and Simmons standing next to each other.
Simmons: Hi there! We here at the American Grifball League of America are constantly testing and refining the rules of Grifball.
Church: But the basic structure of the game is easy to understand. A bomb, known as the grifball, is placed at the center of an open court.
Simmons: At either end of the court is a goal. There are two teams; one red-
Church: And one good.
Simmons: And each team must defend it's goal from the ball carrier.
Church: And just who is this ball carrier? You guessed it!
Simmons: That guy!
Cut to Grif holding the grifball.
Grif: Hey what the-how did I get here? And why am I holding this bomb?
Cut back to Church
Church: Any player that pick up the ball, red or blue, instantly becomes Grif.
Simmons: That makes the ball carrier easier to identify.
Cut to Grif
Grif: Yeahh, I'm famous, and good looking.
Church: And, easier to kill.
Grif: Yeah I-wait, what now?
A blue player with a hammer hits him, sending him flying.
Grif: Ow, son of a bitch!
Church: Each player is equipped with a gravity hammer-
A blue player goes and picks up the grifball
Grif: Whoa! How did I get this bomb again? I gotta watch out for those hammers this time!
A red player with a hammer tries to kill Grif but is hit by a blue player.
Simmons: -and an energy sword.
A red player slices Grif.
Grif: Ah! God dammit!
A blue player hits the red player that killed Grif with a hammer unintentionally hitting a downed Grif.
Church: To score, the ball carrier must drop the ball on his opponents goal, ending the round. The team with the highest score after nine rounds, wins.
A blue player picks up the grifball and turns into Grif. Grif maneuvers around the court, avoiding red players before dropping the ball on the goal.
Grif: (maneuvering) I've got this! Be the ball! Be the ball! To the left! Now I'm gonna go right! Psyche! What- uh, spin move! Uh, okay that's more of a turn around. (Grif scores) Uh... score! Yes! Woo hoo! Awesome! Griftastic!
Church: And to make things a little more exciting, the ball explodes after every score.
Grif: (laughs) In your face non-Grifs! Wait, what was all that stuff about explode-
The bomb explodes, sending Grif flying and killing a nearby blue player and destroying a panel above.
Grif: Oh my god! My skin is on fire!
Cut back to Sarge and Caboose.
Sarge: So as you can see, Grifball is the ideal sport. It has all the elements of gamesmanship: Grif pain and suffering, Grif humiliation and defeat, and Grif multiple deaths.
Caboose: It's just like hockey, except with Grif and more teeth!
Sarge: Grifball, the sport of tomorrow is the sport of today. See ya on the court sports-lovers... and Grif-haters.
Caboose: (notices something on the ground) Hey, look sergeant! Someone left the ball here! Well I'll just casually pick this up-
Caboose picks up the ball and turns into Grif.
Grif: -and return it to the area of play.
Sarge pulls out a Gravity Hammer.
Grif: Oh crap.
Sarge slams the Gravity Hammer towards the screen. Cut to black.
Sarge: (voice only) This is the best game since itself.
- Caboose wears a Mark VI helmet instead of a Mark V.
- Church and Simmons introduce the American Grifball League of America.
- In Grifball: Expansion 3, Double Agent 2, and Double Agent 3, the side screens of the UNSN newsroom features clips of this PSA.
- The notes next to Caboose change from Grifball, Game Rules, Kill Grif, Slaughter Grif, Destroy Grif, Have FUN (except for Grif) to Meatball, Sandwiches, Grinder, Hoagie, Sub, Hero (excludes Grif).