|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate||June 16, 2014|
Self Assessment is the seventh episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 12 and the 252nd episode overall. It aired on June 16th, 2014.
- Locus (Voice only)
- Sarge (Mentioned only)
- Space Pirates
- Control (Voice only)
- Meta (Mentioned only)
- Insurrectionist Leader (Mentioned as C.T.)
- Dropship Pilot (Corpse)
Tucker, Grif, Simmons, and Caboose gather inside a bunker, where Tucker reveals that he wants to leave to save their friends without the help of the recruits. The other three are surprised by this, but Tucker expresses his confidence as they have taken on numerous challenges in the past. Simmons reminds him that they had help from either Church or were lucky during those points and states that even Felix was unable to break into the compound. However, Tucker explains that acting like real soldiers isn't who they are and recommends that they wing the entire operation. Grif is the first one to agree, as he does not want to put the recruits in danger for his own selfish reasons and further turn into Sarge.
After Caboose and Simmons follow suit in the agreement, the four captains depart on two Warthogs and leave a quick message, apologizing to their squad. Upon listening to the message, Kimball and Felix grow concerned, the latter fearful of what the four have gotten into. The four captains later make a stop at a deserted refueling station, where Simmons and Grif talk about terrible superpowers. After hearing a peculiar sound the four proceed to wander about the station, with Grif deciding to loot an Icee machine and Caboose finding someone to buy lottery tickets from. Tucker uses this time to question their ability to survive their countless battles, with Simmons still thinking about poor superpowers.
Inside the station, Grif enters a bathroom and discovers a corpse. Caboose, meanwhile, hears several voices nearby, but before he can approach them Tucker intercepts him and covers his mouth. The four then regroup and oversee four Feds, wearing special armor, at the station. The apparent leader of the Feds, named Jackson, receives a call from Locus, who informs them to report back to base and act as escorts for the captured Reds and Blues. As the four Feds leave Tucker tries to follow them, but to his surprise they vanish. Speculating the Feds to be special ops due to their armor, the four decide that they must reach the compound quickly.
Fade in to the New Republic Headquarters. Cut to the interior of a bunker where Tucker, Grif, Simmons, and Caboose are seen standing.
Simmons: (to Tucker) What do you mean 'leaving'? Where are we going?
Caboose: (excited) Is it to the park?! Ooh, I know, it's the beach! Wait a minute, you're not taking me to the vet, are you?
Tucker: No, we're going to break into that compound and bust out our friends.
Simmons: But, we still have some time left to train the squad. Why would we leave now?
Tucker: Because the squad's not coming with us.
Caboose: Are they going in a separate car?
Caboose: Ah, so they're flying. Ya know, I have an extra bag to check. Is that gonna be a problem? Cause-
Tucker: No. Caboose, we're going on this mission alone.
Caboose: Alone with the squad. Got it.
Grif: Why would we do that?
Tucker: I don't know if you guys have noticed, but our super-elite team sucks. There's no way they'll be able to pull off a rescue mission.
Simmons: We don't know that. Kimball could still pass us.
Tucker: I'm not talking about passing. I'm talking about our trainees blowing up or getting shot or disintegrated or something.
Simmons: Oh. Yeah, that's a problem.
Tucker: Look, Felix, was right. We're just gonna end up getting more people killed.
Grif: So you're saying we should just get ourselves killed instead?
Tucker: Hey, we've done crazier things than this. Remember that time we fought, like, a bajillion hundred robots? We didn't fuck that up.
Simmons: We had Church.
Tucker: Okay, well, what about C.T.? Or the Meta?
Simmons: We got lucky.
Tucker: Bullshit. Now maybe we can't teach a bunch of people how to fight, but the four of us can totally pull this off. We're not gonna get another chance like this. We just have to go in and get our guys back. After that, Wash will know what to do.
Simmons: But even Felix couldn't break into this place.
Tucker: We're not Felix. Felix is smart. The Feds won't be expecting dumb.
Caboose: Hey! Who are you calling dumb?
Simmons: Shut up.
Caboose: No, Simmons, I was just asking for some clarification. I'm a little lost.
Tucker: Look, we keep trying to strategize and use codenames and act like real soldiers, but we're not. We haven't been from the beginning. So why are we trying now? I say we just get in there and do what we do best.
Grif: Uhh, which is ...?
Tucker: I have no idea. But, uh, whatever it is, it's worked for us before.
(a short pause)
Simmons: That's your plan? We just show up and wing it? That's the worst plan I've ever-
Grif: Alright. Let's do it.
Simmons: (surprised) What- Grif? You wanna do this?
Grif: Yeah. So what?
Simmons: (incredulous) So what? You never wanna do anything. Ever.
Grif: Simmons, I've been following orders I never liked for years.
Simmons: No you haven't. You disobey orders all the time.
Grif: Well, I don't wanna be the guy who gives shitty orders that nobody wants to follow. I will not become a Sarge, dammit. There's no way I'm making a bunch of stupid rebels get shot for something I want. So yeah, whatever. Let's just do it!
Simmons: (sniffs) That's the most selfless thing you've ever said.
Grif: But I wanna steal more food before we go.
Simmons: (sniffs) Okay, that's more like it.
Caboose: Yay, mission!
Tucker: (encouragingly) Simmons?
Caboose and Grif turn toward Simmons.
Simmons: (sigh) How are we getting there?
Tucker: Ha ha, yes. Okay, I snuck into Kimball's office and grabbed all the data I took from the Feds' lab. We've got a map that will lead us straight to them. All we need is a ride.
Grif: Vehicle bay's got plenty of Warthogs, I guess.
Caboose: And I can drive a tank!
Caboose: Well, you're all just jealous.
Simmons: Wait, what about the rebels? I mean, I don't think they'll be happy with us just leaving like this.
Tucker then turns to a computer screen to his right, and the others follow his gaze. Cut to Matthews in the vehicle bay. Bitters walks into view.
Bitters: Hey, Matthews. Have you seen the Reds and Blues around? Can't find them.
Matthews: No, but that might explain why two of our jeeps are missing.
Cut to the bunker interior. A recording starts playing with Kimball and the squad listening.
Simmons: (voice recording) Hello everyone. If you're listening to this, it means we're already gone.
Tucker: (voice recording) Look, it's not you, it's us.
Caboose: (voice recording) Tell them not to leave the lights on!
Grif: (voice recording) Caboose! Not now!
Caboose: (voice recording) I miss you already. I promise we'll call. (recording ends)
Kimball: Dammit, Tucker.
Palomo: They just... left us?
Felix walks in.
Felix: Who left us? (notices the paused recording) Oh no.
Cut to a desert refueling station. The Reds and Blues arrive in the borrowed Warthogs and dismount to investigate the station.
Simmons: Okay, the ability to fly... North.
Grif: Eh, I don't know.
Simmons: What do you mean? That's a great "terrible superpower".
Grif: Yeah, but you can still fly.
Simmons: You can only fly North. It's so inconvenient. Once you land, you have to walk wherever you're going.
Grif: Mmm, I guess so.
Simmons: Okay, what about the ability to teleport ... one foot at a time.
Grif: Mmmmm, meh.
Simmons: You're meh. This road trip sucks.
Tucker: Hello-oh! Anybody home?! We got some cars that need fuel.
Caboose: Yeah, yes! We would also like to perchase some lottery tickets! Yeah, I know the odds, but I just, I still think it's just fun.
Simmons: This place looks deserted.
Grif: Whoo hoo! Let's loot! I've always wanted my own Slurpee machine.
Tucker: Oh, dude, let me know if they've got any magazines.
Caboose: Me too! One with pictures!
Tucker: Specificly ones with pictures. You know what I'm saying.
An odd-sounding explosion goes off inside the nearby cave system.
Simmons: What was that?
Tucker: Maybe it's the owners.
Grif: Oh man. Can't we just pretend they're not here and loot anyway.
Tucker: Hey Caboose, go tell them they got customers. You guys guys start filling up the cars.
Grif: Do it yourself. I'm gonna take a leak. (walks off-screen)
Caboose: Oh, alright, but be sure to get my lottery ticket. My numbers are 5! 7! And don't forget them. (walks into cave system)
Tucker: I know I said a bunch of inspirational crap back at the base, but it's times like these when I really wonder how we haven't been killed yet. You know?
Simmons: The power to turn into the Hulk ... but only when you're asleep.
Cut to the inside of the station. Grif walks into view with an empty Slurpee cup.
Grif: Hello? Just here to use the bathroom! Also, somebody emptied out your Slurpee machine! Might want to get that filled! Man, what kind of gas station doesn't have hot dogs?
Grif opens a door, revealing a corspe.
Grif: Puh-hoh! Wheah! Jesus, it smells like somebody died in- (notices the hand; becomes terrified) -here.
Cut to Caboose walking through the cave system.
An indistinct voice is heard.
Control: (voice only) Targets will be arriving in the morning. Do not disappoint me.
Jackson: (off screen) Understood, Control.
Caboose: Eh. I think I hear the sound of some new friends. (reappears from behind a rock pillar) Hellooooooo- (Tucker quickly covers his mouth with his hand) Oh! (whispered) Tucker. Perfect! You can help me and my friends come up with a secret high five!
Cut to the Reds and Blues approaching a pile of crates upon a ledge overlooking a group of steel-armored Federal troopers.
Trooper 1: So what's the word?
Jackson: Control says to give it thirty more minutes.
Female Trooper: Ugh, this is a waste of time.
Trooper 1: Agreed.
Grif: Who are these guys?
Tucker: Well, they're definitely not the gas station attendents.
Grif: (sarcastically) Wow, Tucker. I can really see why you're the leader.
Tucker: Up. Yours.
Simmons: Quiet. I can't hear what they're saying.
Jackson: You know what the say: Orders are orders.
Locus: (over radio) Jackson.
Jackson: Yes, Locus.
Locus: (over radio) Change of plans. Report back to base immediately. The Reds and Blues will be requiring... an escort.
Jackson: Understood. (to the squad) You heard him, grab the gear and prep for evac.
The troopers walk away into a nearby tunnel.
Caboose: Where are they going?
Tucker moves after them.
Simmons: Tucker, wait!
Another odd explosion goes off, and Tucker sees an empty tunnel.
Tucker: They just... vanished.
Grif: They said something about Reds and Blues.
Caboose: Oh my God! I know those colors! They're us!
Tucker: They were Feds. I heard one of them mention Locus.
Simmons: Well they didn't look like the typical Stormtrooper guys. You think they were Special Ops?
Tucker: I think we should get to the base as fast as possible. Come on, let's go.
Fade to black.
- Tucker references the Blood Gulch Crew's previous battles with the Meta, C.T., and the Tex robots.
- Based on what Tucker says, it appears he and the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew, minus Washington, never learned that the C.T. they encountered was in fact the Insurrectionist Leader (who took on the real C.T.'s identity in grief), even after the events of Season 10.
- This episode reveals the existence of a presumably elite spec ops force in the Federal Army. Additionally, the four 'Spec Ops' Feds wear steel/black armor like their superior Locus, in sharp contrast to the typical white armored infantry soldiers normally encountered by the New Republic. A later episode, however, reveals this isn't the case.
- Simmons referring to the white armored Feds as Stormtroopers is a reference to the similarities between the said Feds and the Imperial soldiers from the Star Wars franchise. There are also Shadow Stormtroopers which are a spec ops variant of the standard Stormtrooper. As the name suggests, they have black armor.
- In addition, the group speculate the black-armored soldiers to be special ops, a possible reference to black armored Elites being special ops in the earlier Halo games, as well as Sarge believing the Blues to be special ops due to their black armor during Roomier Than it Looks.
- The episode's title refers to the fact the Reds and Blues concluding on their own that their soldiers aren't ready and they have to go on their own without backup.
- The corpse that Grif finds in the refueling station's bathroom is that of the Dropship Pilot, who was killed by Locus in Worst Laid Plans.
- A Federal Army of Chorus advertisement can be seen behind Grif when he finds the Dropship Pilot's corpse.
- Caboose asking to drive the tank only to be denied by the other three is a reference to his constant team killing, particularly Church's death.