|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| October 2, 2016 (sponsors)|
October 3, 2016 (RT users)
October 9, 2016 (public)
The "Mission" is the twenty-second episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 14. It aired on October 2nd, 2016 for sponsors, October 3rd, 2016 for Rooster Teeth site users, and October 9th, 2016 for the general public. It is the 303rd episode overall.
"The "Mission"" title credit appears.
Open on snowy plains.
Idaho: Here's our big chance, she says.
Idaho: Here's our big break, gonna finally get to hang out with the cool kids, she says.
Ohio: I'm right here.
Idaho: Oh, I know. That's why I'm saying it.
Ohio: Oh, thanks! I really appreciate it, Spuds Mackenzie.
Idaho: Is that a fucking potato pun? You know I didn't get to choose which state got assigned to me, right?
Ohio: No, no why don't you tell me more about the project, asshole?
Idaho: Okay, fine! I'll tell you more when you tell me more about the mission!
Ohio: We have gone over this.
Idaho: You know it's not really a "mission" if the "mission" doesn't have a specific objective, right?!
Ohio: (stammers) They forgot to send the mission objective! Y'know? Something... got disrupted... in the–the downloads! The–and–the–there's gotta be an explanation!
Idaho: There is. I've been telling you. There. Is. No. Mission! They just dropped us here!
Ohio: I know, okay?! Okay? I get it, I... I... I get it... (breaks down into sobs)
Idaho: (flatly) Really? Crying?
Ohio: (sobbing) I hate my life...
Idaho: (sighs) I didn't want to believe it either, but it seems pretty obvious.
Ohio: (sobbing) I know... (gasps) Oh my god. It's one big, fucking metaphor, isn't it? I mean they are freezing us out of the program. They dropped us here because this is one giant cold shoulder of a planet. And this is what we deserve. (sniff) You know, just let us slowly die of hypothermia over the course of several months on this, this... what is the name of this planet, anyway? Snowball? Deep Freeze?! (sighs, sniffs) All I wanted was one assignment. You know, just one chance to be given a purpose. (deep sigh) I've been trying too hard. (turns to Idaho) And the thing is, I was trying not to do that, y'know, as a woman.
Idaho: What does that even mean?
Ohio: The top women here are either total hard-charging badasses or phoney-as-shit little ingenues. All I want is meaningful work while still being myself.
Idaho: Which is what, exactly?
Ohio: Pfft. A dork. A fuck-up. Just, I don't know, a person who likes geeking out about kung fu movies with you idiots and eating cake after midnight. And who also happens to be a pretty good shot.
Idaho: But not a good enough shot to get sent on an actual mission, right?
Ohio: (snorts) No, I suppose not. Better shot than you, though.
Iowa drives by.
Iowa: Guys! Guys, I found something!
Ohio: (calls out) What did you say? Crap, he's turning around.
A crash off-screen.
Iowa: I found the mission!
Ohio and Idaho stand facing Iowa.
Ohio: And you're sure it's a base?
Idaho: And not like, you got too much snow in your helmet and got brain frostbite and had a near-death experience where you hallucinated we were finally on a mission?
Ohio: Ah-ah-ah. Focus. Are... you... sure?
Iowa: Fact. I saw a base on the other side of a big bridge I had to go across. Fact! I saw a base and crossed the bridge after I got snow in my helmet. Fact, I went up to the base and I touched it. Fact! I touched it with my tongue. It got stuck until I breathed hot on it.
Idaho: Jesus, you licked the base?
Iowa: I knew you were gonna ask me if it was real, because after I put on my helmet filled with snow, how could I be sure?
Ohio: And then you thought of the least likely way you could prove that it was real.
Iowa: Yup, I licked it! I licked the base!
Idaho: Oh yeah? Then what did it taste like?
Iowa: A White Russian! But not like, a person of Russian descent. Like the drink.
Ohio: Iowa, you are really and truly a fucking moron.
Idaho: Come on, O, you said you wanted an objective.
Ohio: (sighs) Well, I guess it's either sit here and freeze to death or go check it out. And... freeze to death.
They stand looking up at a bridge leading to a base.
Idaho: I'll be damned. There really is a giant bridge.
Ohio: Well now I wanna know how he got up there.
Iowa: Finger strength, man.
Idaho: You always were a good climber. Wait, is that a path over there?
A sign can be seen saying "THIS WAY TO BRIDGE"
Idaho: Why didn't you just take the path?!
Iowa: I did, on the way down.
Ohio: (looking through her rifle scope) Oh my god.
Idaho: My thoughts exactly.
Ohio: No, guys, there are soldiers up there!
Ohio: Come on. We're getting up to that bridge for a closer look.
One of the soldiers watches the triplets through a rifle scope.
Darryl: What are they doing?
Sherry: That's what I'm trying to figure out. They're just standing there, talking.
Darryl: Is one of them the guy who licked our base?
Sherry: Yup, and he brought company. Two more.
Darryl: Who the hell licks a base? Especially in the cold?
Sherry: Oh wait, looks like they're on the move.
A third soldier walks up.
Terrill: Maybe this has something to do with our mission.
Sherry: How many times do I have to tell you guys, there is no mission. Charon Industries abandoned us here.
Terrill: Well, at least they left us with booze. Who wants another White Russian?
Darryl: Well maybe if you had let us take that guy out when he was stuck to our base by his tongue, that could have become our mission.
Terrill: Ooooh, yeah. But wait, Sherry's pretty smart. Maybe she knew our mission was a test to realize there isn't a mission. And we did the right thing by not killing that guy, in which case...
Terrill and Darryl: Mission accomplished!
Darryl: Yeah, baby!
Sherry: There isn't a god damn mission!
Darryl: That's what she said.
Terrill: Ha ha ha, nice.
Sherry: You realize this is why they dumped us here, right? You're incompetent. He's incompetent. Talking to you makes me incompetent. Killing us and touching our dead bodies would have only made them incompetent. It was their only choice.
Terrill: I'm pro-choice, by the way. Just wanted you to know that, for future reference.
Sherry: Good for you, Terrill. You want a cookie?
Terrill: No man, I just like choices. Jeez.
The Triplets walk into the base, setting off a sensor.
Sherry: Uh oh.
Darryl: What is it?
Sherry: (sighs) Looks like our friends made it up to the bridge.
Terrill: Okay! I'll go make us some drinks to celebrate.
The Triplets stand inside the base.
Idaho: You think they see us?
Ohio: Maybe. No wait. One of them's making cocktails. I think we're good.
Iowa: O-Oh, y-you think they know how to make a whiskey on the rocks?
Idaho: God I hope so.
Ohio: Will you two please just focus for once? This might actually be my chance at an actual mission, and I will not have you two losers ruin it for me!
They look at her in silence.
Idaho: Fuck it. Vera. Can I call you Vera?
Ohio: (stammers) Sure, I mean, I.. I guess. What is it?
Idaho: It's just... It really hurts my feelings when you call us losers.
Idaho: I mean, it's like you don't value me or Mike. We're just your temporary friends, and you're only waiting for the chance to trade up. And I mean, if that's how you feel, that's how you feel, but I mean...
Ohio: Oh man, Idaho... Ezra, I don't– I don't feel tha- Look I-I'm sorry, I-I guess is I mean what I'm trying to say, look... (sighs) Look guys, I know I can be a bit of a hard-ass, but... Don't make me get all mushy, okay? You're... okay, okay? You too, Mike.
Idaho: Hey. We're supposed to be the best at being us.
Ohio: Yeah, and what's that?
Idaho: A team. So if we're gonna win or if we're gonna suck, let's just do it together.
Ohio: (sigh) Roger that. Now just this once, let's mission the shit out of this thing, okay?
Ohio: Let me do the talking. And whatever happens, happens to all of us.
Iowa: (off screen) Heyyy, you guys know how to make a whiskey on the rocks?
Ohio and Idaho hang their heads.
Iowa: You put ice in it! It's pretty easy!
Ohio: Oh for fuck's sake.
Sherry: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Iowa: We're coming to investigate your base!
Ohio: What don't you understand about "let me do the talking"?!
Darryl: Why'd your guy put his tongue on our base?
Ohio: It's a long story!
Sherry: We got nothing but time!
Darryl: Are you guys a test?
Ohio: A what?
Darryl: A test! We're from Charon Industries, and we're waiting to find out what we're here for.
Sherry: Ex-Charon Industries! We're not really waiting for anything though, except maybe like, a quick, merciful death.
Ohio: Are you the leader?
Sherry: We don't exactly have a chain of command anymore. I'm mostly in charge though, because I'm not a complete fucking waste of brain cells. My name's Sherry, this is my partner Darryl, this is my other partner Terrill.
Darryl and Terrill: Hi!
Ohio: (indicating with her head) Ohio, Idaho, Iowa. Agents of Project Freelancer.
Sherry: Lemme guess. You guys got dumped here.
Ohio: Wha–I... How did you know?
Sherry: Body language! That and there's no reason to come here. For anyone, like ever.
Ohio: Good eye!
Sherry: Yeah, it's a fun party trick! Only thing I'm good at. Got more if you want.
Sherry: You! You're the one that just wants to go unnoticed. You used to love her, but you've accepted that she likes the ladies.
Ohio: Wha–! Hey! How did you–?!
Sherry: Come on girl, it is obvious.
Terrill: Maybe you guys can date.
Sherry: (looks at Iowa) And that one got messed up somehow, but he has the most upbeat attitude, so net-net, I guess. Here, we'll come over, we can compare notes.
Ohio: Okay! (to Idaho) You used to what me?
Idaho: (laughs nervously) Yeah, hey! Let's just move past this!
The two groups stand on the bridge, facing each other.
Sherry: We were the worst soldiers of our unit.
Ohio: Ha. Us too.
Darryl: Terrill here, he detonated a base, trying to heat up a cup of coffee.
Terrill: Who puts the "fire all the missiles" button right next to the microwave?
Sherry: Pretty sure they were just expecting us to accidentally fall down a ravine or... blow up our base and save themselves the trouble of a coverup.
Darryl: Stone, cold, hearted, man.
Idaho: Tell me about it.
Ohio: God fucking damnit. Fuck my life, seriously. Our one chance at a real assignment and we meet you guys?
Sherry: Oh you're a real charmer, aren't you?
Terrill: Boss, I like her. (lowers voice) Seriously, are you gonna date?
Sherry: The long and short of it is, we're fuck-ups. Like you! We're all stranded here, we'll all die here, and we'll all be forgotten.
Silence, as everyone lets this sink in.
Idaho: Well, least we can do it together.
Darryl: Hey, yeah!
Terrill: (sighs) Together.
Iowa: You know, I–I think I just learned something. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world wants to push you away, as long as you find friendship and– ICE SPIDER! (fires his weapon) Oh god, it's going– it's going up your leg! (hits Darryl's leg)
Darryl: Ow! He shot me!
Terrill: You bastards, I'll kill you!
Idaho: Iowa, get under cover! That's not cool, man!
Idaho and Iowa exchange gunfire with Darryl and Terrill. Ohio and Sherry are left standing in the middle, looking at each other. Simultaneously, they sigh deeply.
Ohio and Sherry: God damn it.
Sherry: This happen often?
Ohio: Yeah. But not as often as– (Missile flies past) Never mind.
Sherry: Man, I just wanted... I just wanted a chance, you know? To be given a–a mission. To be given a purpose.
Ohio: You want a purpose?
Sherry: Yeah. I really do.
Ohio: (laughs incredulously) Me too!
They gaze at each other. Then, Ohio raises her weapon and shoots Sherry in the foot.
Sherry: Ow, shit! You shot me! The fuck did you do that for?!
Ohio: Giving us all a reason to be out here, bitch.
Sherry: What are you, crazy?!
Ohio: Eh, probably. But I'm done waiting on someone to give me a purpose. I'm making one for myself.
Idaho: Ohio, come on, we have to get out of here!
Sherry: You're going down, sweet-cheeks.
Ohio: Aw, that's the spirit! It's a shame, though. You actually seem like my type. (returns to Idaho and Iowa) Come on guys, let's roll out.
Idaho: What? (sternly) What did you do?
Ohio: I just gave us all a purpose for being here.
Idaho: Which is?
Ohio: To keep an eye on those assholes.
Iowa: All I wanted to do was kill the ice spider.
Idaho: But...! They just said they aren't doing anything! Why do we need to watch them?!
Ohio: That's where you're wrong. They are doing something now. They're watching us. Because now we've shot two of them.
Idaho: Seriously? You're saying the only reason we need to be here is because they have a base over there, and the only reason they need a base is because we're here?
Ohio: (giggles) Yes! We finally have a purpose in life. Isn't it glorious?
Sherry: You guys are a bunch of psychotic assholes!
Ohio: You'll thank me later, fuckface!
Sherry: You're super uncool! You know that, right?! You're all losers!
Ohio: Yup. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Back aboard the Mother of Invention, Wash approaches South and C.T.
Wash: I haven't seen the triplets in a while. I was gonna join them for lunch.
C.T.: You didn't hear?
Wash: No, hear what?
South: They dropped out of the program, or... something.
C.T.: It's pretty hush-hush.
Wash: Man, nobody ever tells me anything.
South: Who cares? They were never gonna amount to anything, anyway. Best we just forget about them.
Wash: Sure. I guess so.
C.T.: Hey. Five things nobody ever tells Wash. Go.
South: He's a dork.
South: He's... gullible.
C.T.: Ohhh! Two.
Wash: I am not.
South: Heh. He's got something in his teeth.
Wash: Wait, I do?
C.T. laughs. Fade to black.
- Ohio, Idaho, and Iowa's real names are revealed to be Vera, Ezra, and Mike, respectively.
- It is revealed that Ohio is a lesbian, making her the series' first confirmed LGBT character.
- Sherry's introductions are a Newhart reference. ("Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.")
- The Triplets and Charon trio fighting one another at the episode's end relates to the simulation troopers' Red vs Blue war. Idaho's line, "You're saying the only reason we need to be here is because they have a base over there, and the only reason they need a base is because we're here?" is a callback to Simmons' line from the first episode, Why Are We Here?.
- South and C.T.'s game of "five things" is a callback to Idaho, Iowa, and Ohio's game(s) in the previous episode (for which South mocked them).
- The setting for this episode is the Halo 3 multiplayer map "Narrows."