|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"The Sound of Stupid"|
|Airdate|| May 31, 2015 (sponsors)|
June 1, 2015
Tucker and Grif would like to talk to you about ASMR in this week’s/11//?&$#*do_not_13_adjust_(@#_your_monitor_#57#!!*0010110*///*/:3
Fade in to Grif and Tucker in Valhalla.
Grif: Hi. I'm Captain Dexter Grif from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
Tucker: And I'm Tucker, from the same show.
Grif: We're here today to talk to you about autonomous sensory meridian response.
Tucker: And while I normallly like a good mouthful, it's commonly referred to as "ASMR," for short.
Grif: ASMR refers to the pleasurable sensation that some people get when they hear certain sounds, like hair being cut, or role-players speaking in hush tones.
Tucker: (off screen) Ohohoho, yeah!
Grif: These sensations have been descibed as tingling, (Tucker chuckles) spine chilling...
Tucker: And "chubtastic"!
Grif: (stammering) Alright, look. I told you, it's not a sex thing!
Tucker: Uhh, role-players? Cutting hair? I'm aroused already!
Grif: Cutting hair?
Tucker: Look man, we all have our things.
Grif: Yea, well keep your things to yourself. This is exactly why I brought Caboose here today. Say hi Caboose.
Caboose: If we are role-playing, I want to be a dragon.
Grif: We're gonna try to get Caboose to experience ASMR and see what happens.
Tucker: Gross! Two dudes? Count me out.
Grif: It's not a sex thing! Caboose, go ahead a take off your helmet.
Caboose: Sure thing!
Screen cuts off to "The Unidentified" hacking the PSA. Simmons appears with a mask over his helmet.
Simmons: (dramatic voice) We do not condone. We do not ignore. We are many. We will no longer tolerate the oppression of.. uhh, you oppressors.
Grif: The fuck? Simmons, what are you doing?
Simmons: The exploitation by you jerks in the corporate techno-military sim-trooper complex must come to an end.
Simmons: We are not Simmons. We are The Unidentified. We are hacktivists fighting for a better world and there are lots of us.
Grif: Oh yeah? I only see one of you. Dick.
Simmons: Lots and lots.
Tucker: So what? You're some anti-establishment tech warriors?
Tucker: You do realize Warner Brothers makes five bucks every time you buy one of those masks, right?
Simmons: God damn it.
Grif: Look dude, we're kind of in the middle of something. So if you'd kindly fuck off.
Simmons: (mask disappears) Nooo! Too long have you preyed upon the innocent. Too long have you mocked the superior intelligence of the one called Simmons. Now you will rue the day.
Grif: Uhh, if you're so superior, then how is it that we can still keep fucking with you?
Simmons: (normal voice) Shut-up! The time of revenge is at hand. Suck my wrath bitches! Let's see how you like this!
Simmons types on a keyboard off-screen. Grif and Tucker look at each other and back at Simmons.
Simmons: Ha-ha! I'm in. I've hacked your network.
Tucker: Dude, aren't you the one who set-up our network?
Grif: Yeah, remember? We didn't let him eat until Netflix worked.
Simmons: It's for the public good. Your nefariousness must be exposed. Now the world will know the extent of your plans to uhh.... to... ah come on! There's gotta be some kind of conspiracy. I don't know, some files or something. A hidden directory?
Grif: Nice work there, Snowden.
Simmons: Damn it! There's nothing here!
Tucker: Ha! Looks like we win neckbeard!
Simmons: Oh you'd like that. But let's see how you feel once your privacy is violated. Prepare yourselves for intergalactic embarrassment.
Simmons types on a keyboard and a notification rings.
Tucker: An email?
Simmons: That's right! You're lives are in tatters. You're precious secrets scattered to the cyber-winds. Information wants to be free!
Tucker: Did you just forward us our own emails?
Simmons: (sniffs the air) What is that disgusting aroma? Do you smell it? It smells like the airing of... dirty laundry! (laughs dramatically)
Grif: Tucker? You keep a slash fic collection?
Tucker: Uhh, yea!
Grif: About yourself?
Tucker: Of course! Dude, these people have me doing shit I couldn't even dream of. It's awesome.
Grif: Dude, that's just...wait, what? What are these?! Simmons! Are these pictures of my sister?!
Tucker: And saved. You know, for later. To... give back to her.
Donut walks up to Tucker and Grif.
Donut: Hey! Uhh, I just got an email with a screenplay titled, "Sarge Movie Sequel."
Simmons: Wait, what? No! That's MY work! It's not ready yet!
Tucker: Simmons, did you just leak your own stuff?
Grif: Even when he succeeds, he still fails.
Donut: Oh! Oh! Are we leaking stuff? I love leaking stuff.
Simmons: Donut, you're not supposed to leak your own photos.
Donut: What? That's not fair! How come Simmons gets to?
Grif: Because he's an idiot.
Donut: (sighs) Fine. But if you like what you saw, you definitely should not try to figure out my iCloud password.
Donut walks away.
Tucker: You see, Simmons?
Donut: (offscreen, whispering) It's the word "password" five times. Longer passwords are more secure.
Tucker: (to Simmons) All you've done so far is fuck up our PSA and force me to see Donut naked... again.
Grif: And I can't believe I had to see my sister naked... again!
Tucker: Oh yeah. I guess there was a silver lining!
Grif: Why do you have to ruin everything?
Simmons: Oh yeah? Well, uh, let's see how much of a silver lining there is when I DDoS all of your favorite online games!
Grif: Now you've gone too far!
Tucker: Dude, this is pathetic. You've done nothing you wanted to. You're just being a dick at this point.
Grif: It's like your mad that everyone else isn't as miserable as you. So instead of taking a good hard look at your own life and trying to fix that, you're just trying to bring everyone else down.
Simmons: (begins to sob)
Tucker: Uhh, Simmons?
Simmons: (holding back tears) Yea?
Grif: Are you crying?
Tucker: Do you.. do you want a hug?
Simmons: (stammering) Ye-y-y-yes.
Grif: Aw, you're just in the base, aren't you?
Simmons: No, I'm in my lair. It just happens to be in the base.
Grif: (sighs, looks at Tucker) Come on.
Tucker and Grif leave for the base. Simmons cheers up and continues talking.
Simmons: Thanks guys. You know, I'm really sorry. I think I was just harboring up a lot of pent-up aggression. You know, if you want I can put the servers back on so we can play some games together! What do you...
Tucker charges and tackles Simmons. Grif follows and assaults Simmons.
Tucker: Take that you fucking nerd!
Simmons: Ow! No! Ugh!
Grif: If you ever touch my games again, I will end you!
Simmons: It's like high school again! Not my back! Ow!
Screen goes black.
Caboose: (clears throat) Yea, so um, do I have ASMR or are we not doing that anymore?
- The name "The Unidentified" is a reference to Anonymous, with Simmons using a Guy Fawkes style mask as well as talking in a speech similar to Anonymous.
- Grif makes reference to famous information leaker Edward Snowden when Simmons attempts to leak information from the network.