|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"The Winter Lames: The Olympics Suck"|
The Winter Lames: The Olympics Suck is a PSA that discusses the topic of the 2006 Winter Olympics.
Church and Simmons suggest improvements to the Olympic Games to attract viewers after the boring 2006 Winter Olympics. First criticizing the new events, new ideas for games and improvements to previous ones are added by Sarge; among them include the "Rocket Luge", the slalom using laser gates, giving rifle bayonets to people, and an increase in the number of polar bears.
Fade in to Simmons and Church in the snow
Church: Hi. I'm Private Church from the popular webseries Red vs Blue.
Simmons: And I'm Private Dick Simmons.
Church: As dozens of you probably already know, the Winter Olympics recently came to a close.
Simmons: According to ratings information, less and less people are watching the Olympics. We here at Red vs Blue would like to help fix this situation.
Church: The biggest problem is that the Olympics only happen once every four years. Nobody has an attention span that long! And you have to compete with all the other boring things that only happen once every four years.
Simmons: The Olympics always make a big deal about amateur status, but most of the events don't even have a professional equivalent. Seriously, have you ever heard of a curler going pro? And isn't a professional biathlete really just a James Bond villain?
Church: And the names don't make any sense. Why is it called "Curling?" Was "Stupid Rock Push" too long to fit on the program? And doesn't the word "biathalon" just mean competing in two things?
Donut: It does? Man, my training program has been all wrong.
Simmons: This year, the Olympics added "Speed Skating Team Pursuit," which is basically three team-mates racing at a time instead of just one. Wow. That means you can hate watching an entire event in one third the time. Here's a tip, if you add another person in to a staring contest, it doesn't suddenly turn into the Superbowl.
Church: Okay, well instead of just criticizing the Games, I think we should concentrate on helping make the current Olympic events more fun to watch.
Sarge: You bet your bobsled. There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.
Church: Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
Sarge: No, like replacing the skis with heat seeking missiles! And the jumping with exploding.
Church: Well that sounds a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
Sarge: Replace the big rocks with grenades.
Church: Figure skating?
Sarge: Land mines.
Church: Downhill skiing.
Sarge: Laser gates.
Church: Speed skating.
Sarge: Everyone gets a bayonet.
Sarge: Get rid of the hippies, and add polar bears! In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
Church: Okay, well what about the luge?
Sarge: Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Grif over there is our lugie. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
Grif: Yeah, I'm goin' for the Gold!
Grif jumps into a ghost and attempts to slide down a ramp but immediately blows up.
Grif: Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
Sarge: Heh heh heh heh heh. I call it Rocket Luge. In Europe, it's called the Space Program. I also have some ideas about how to improve Skeleton.
Donut: What's Skeleton?
Church: It's the luge, you just face the other way.
Donut: Why don't they just call it Reverse Luge?
Church: Because no-one likes the luge to begin with. So does your improvement involve using actual skeletons?
Sarge: Let me put it this way: if you don't win a medal, you're next year's sled. Now that's motivation! I also think we should give medals out to the losers.
Church: You want to give out the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound much like you, Sarge. So what would it be, Gold, Silver, Bronze, and...?
Sarge: Enriched Uranium. The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a Country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
Church: Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.