|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|Airdate|| April 19, 2015 (sponsors)|
April 20, 2015
Tourist Trap is the fourth episode of Red vs. Blue: Season 13. It aired on April 19th, 2015 for sponsors and April 20th, 2015 for the general public, and is the 269th episode overall.
- Epsilon (Mentioned only)
- Washington (Mentioned only)
- Sister (Mentioned only)
- Emily Grey
- Various soldiers
Dr. Grey, Tucker, Sarge and Caboose make it to the Charon Excavation Site where the temple is located. After the group confirm that the site is deserted, they move further down into it, moving Grey's survey equipment as well. Grey then asks the three if they speak alien, but the three give unhelpful answers. As a result, Grey decides to begin her survey regardless. Meanwhile, Grif and Simmons return to the armory in Armonia, where Grif unloads the pirates' weapons he collected back at the research complex. As he leaves for a snack, Grif becomes surrounded by numerous Feds and Rebels, all furious for having to run an abundance of Wash's laps due to his incompetence. As Grif attempts to leave the Feds and Rebels chase after him and pummel him.
Back at the temple, Dr. Grey attmepts to decipher text outside the temple's entrance, when Tucker approaches her due to boredom. Grey tries to get Tucker to leave but the latter refuses, curious to see the result of Grey's studies. Meanwhile at Armonia, Donut and Simmons mess around with the alien weapons. Back at the temple, Tucker messes around to pass time, annoying Grey. When Tucker pulls out his sword a holographic panel suddenly appears outside the temple's entrance, attracting his attention. Tucker approaches the panel and calls out to Dr. Grey about it, though the latter continues to transcribe the text, making out a portion of it reading "key".
As Tucker reaches the panel a hologram of an alien suddenly appears, causing Tucker to strike it in shock. This action, however, causes Tucker to connect his sword with the panel, activating the temple. In addition, Tucker's actions also activate the alien weaponry at Armonia, casuing Donut's plama rifle to fire by itself and the teleportation grenades and Charon's weapons to explode. Back at the temple, a plethora of alien weapons and vehicles appear before Tucker and Dr. Grey. As Sarge and Caboose regroup with them, the voice of an alien speaks to the four. Unable to understand the alien, Tucker responds with, "What's up?", which deactivates the temple and makes the weapons and vehicles disappear. However, a map appears and pinpoints an area on Chorus.
Fade in to a base near the alien temple. Sarge is looking out over it, with Grey and Tucker behind him. It seems deserted.
CHARON EXCAVATION SITE
Sarge: Huh. Looks deserted.
Tucker: I’ve heard that one before.
Grey: It’s likely any remaining Charon personnel would’ve retreated after you took their research complex. Or maybe they’re at lunch. I’m hungry...
Tucker: Well, how do we know for sure?
Zoom in to Caboose on a rock.
Caboose: IS ANYBODY STILL HERE?!
Tucker, Grey, and Sarge: (in unison) Caboose!
Caboose: WHAT? OH, SORRY-- um, sorry.
Sarge: You big blue idiot, you’ll give away our position!
Sarge climbs up onto the rock.
Sarge: IF YOU’RE STILL HERE, JUST IGNORE THAT LAST BIT!
Tucker: Good save, Sarge.
Grey: Caboose, if you could, please, have Freckles run a thermal scan of the area.
Caboose: Ah, yes. (he brings his rifle up) Um, hey, Freckles?
Freckles: Yes, Captain Caboose?
Caboose: Oh, yes, uh, Freckles, could you go ahead and give me a... thermal... sweater to the base... thing.
Tucker: Heat scanners and Google Translate. Nice.
Grey: If you put the brain of a killing machine into an assault rifle, you don’t cut corners.
Sarge: Can you give it control over the safety?
Freckles: Affirmative. Also, I heard that.
Sarge: Whoa-oh. (steps back)
Grey: Don’t worry! My tests determined that it was actually safer to give Freckles full control of the rifle rather than Caboose.
Tucker: How’d you test that?
Grey: I gave Caboose the rifle for about five seconds.
Tucker: Makes sense.
Grey: What a busy day at the hospital that turned out to be!
Sarge: So what happens when you pull the trigger?
Grey: It releases confetti and makes a fun party sound! (A fun party sound immediately is heard offscreen.)
Caboose: ...Tucker did it.
Cut to the base, where Sarge, Grey, and Caboose are standing near some boxes. Tucker comes running out of the base.
Tucker: Yep, the place is definitely deserted.
Sarge: We already knew that!
Tucker: Yeah, but I just wanted to make extra sure! You know, for extra safety. Oh look, you finished moving all of Grey’s tools without me, maaan, bummer.
Sarge: (grunts) You wouldn’t happen to be related to the Grif family, would ya?
Tucker: I mean, I had relations with his sister! Bow chicka bow-wow!
Caboose: Awwwww... yeah, I don’t get it.
Grey: Right. Let’s begin! (clears throat and starts what sounds like a tape recorder) (nonchalantly) This is the audio recording of Dr. Emily Grey, number 05519. Upon arriving at the excavation site, I made several observations. One; there’s a large alien structure protruding from the ground and extending into the sky. Two; (excited) it’s nice and sunny out today and I love it! End log.
Tucker: Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest person on the entire planet.
Caboose: I know! It’s really intimidating.
Tucker: Shut up.
Sarge: So. What’s up, doc?
Grey: Well, that depends! Who here speaks alien?
Tucker: Church taught me a swear word.
Sarge: No hablo espanol.
Caboose: I only know Wingdings.
Tucker: What, like the font?
Caboose: It’s a very misunderstood language.
Grey: Okay! I’m just gonna take all of that as a no, so why don’t you all keep watch while I investigate the ruins?
Tucker: Ugh. Fine.
Sarge: Roger that!
Caboose: Yes! Square plate diamond snowflake happy face!
Emily: (looking up at the temple) Now then! Let’s see what you’re hiding...
Back to the armory. A future-cube sound announces the arrival of Grif and Simmons.
Simmons: We’re back!
Donut: (running up to them) Finally! I don’t know what has gotten into Lopez today.
Grif: Well, have fun sorting through all the junk. I got a date with some crackers and a can of Cheez Whiz.
Grif throws a teleportation grenade to the ground and all the weapons from the research complex reappear.
Simmons: Really, Grif?
Grif: Nah, I’ll probably skip the crackers.
Grif starts to walk off, then stops in his tracks.
Grif: What the...?
An array of Fed and New Republic soldiers are standing in wait for him, with the lieutenants at the front of the crowd.
Palomo: Oh, hey, Grif.
Grif: Uhhh. Hello?
Jensen: Can’t help but notice you haven’t been by the training room yet.
Grif: Is... Wash still making--
Grif: ...and all of them are--
Bitters: Real tired of running laps.
Grif: ...yeah. I gotta go--
Palomo: Take him! Take him now!
Everyone charges at Grif, and the sound of a fight ensues.
Grif: No! They made me do the dishes!
Cut back to the tower, where Grey is crouched in front of some alien text while Tucker paces in the background.
Tucker: Bored. Bored. Boooored. Bored.
Grey: Captain Tucker, why don’t you patrol somewhere else?
Tucker: No way! I wanna be here for whenever you find out how to turn this thing on.
Tucker: Uhh. Because it’s probably gonna look awesome as shit? With like holographic lasers in the sky. I want a front row seat for that.
Grey: You know, I bet you’d have just as good of a view if you joined your friends at the base.
Cut to the base, with an upward pan to Sarge and Caboose.
Caboose: You ever wonder...
An awkward pause with a shot of Sarge waiting.
Sarge: Wonder what?
Caboose: Ah, um, sorry, kinda spaced out. Is that Church? (Freckles fires, with fun party noise) Nope. Rock.
Cut back to Tucker and Grey.
Grey: Oh, well, then perhaps you could find something more productive to do with your time.
Tucker: Like what?
Grey: I don’t know. Practice aiming, or pushups or... whatever it is you soldiers do.
Tucker: Pfff. Practice aiming. Nobody does that.
Cut to Donut with a Plasma Rifle.
Donut: Freeze! Reach for the sky, mercenary scum!
Simmons: Donut, put that down! It’s not a toy, it’s... wait, what is that?
Donut: I dunno. It was in the pile of laser weapons you and Grif brought back.
Simmons: Looks like an old plasma rifle. Guess it got shipped by mistake.
Donut: So does that mean I can keep it?
Simmons: Well, Kimball did say all the alien stuff was broken. But I still can’t help but feel that you’re setting a bad example for the children.
Simmons: Oh, right, right, Caboose went with Sarge, uh, yeah fuck it, go nuts.
Donut: Yes! Agent Double-0 Donut is back in action! (goes back to aiming)
Someone clears his throat offscreen. A wider shot reveals that Donut is aiming at a New Republic soldier waiting patiently at the armory. He has his hands up.
New Republic Soldier: Um... so yeah, can I get my rifle now?
Donut: I’m on the case! (he walks off)
New Republic Soldier: (sighs) I bet the Feds never had to put up with this.
Cut to Tucker, who’s doing a little "practice" aiming.
Tucker: Boosh! Hah! Oh, oh what, you talkin’ to me? Hm, you talking’ to me, huh? Yeah! Hi-yah!
Cut to Grey still hard at work.
Grey: (sighs) Bet the Rebels never had to put up like this.
Tucker: Oh, so you want a rematch, huh? (chuckles) Well, if you insist.
Tucker pulls out his sword, which is immediately followed by a holographic projection lighting up a symbol over the door.
Tucker: Huh? Uh, hey doc?
Grey: Transcribing! Please don’t interrupt! ‘Weapon’... ‘weapon’... why does it all say ‘weapon’? Oh!
Tucker: I think I found something!
Grey: Not now, please, I may have just made a breakthrough! What is that word...?
Tucker: (slowly approaching the door) Okay, yeah, but I really think you wanna see this.
Grey: Is it... ‘key’?
Tucker: This is some serious weird alien-- (as he approaches the door, an alien projection appears in red) SHIT!
Tucker stumbles back, swiping the the alien projection with his sword in the process. The alien disappears and the symbol over the door looks distinctly... unlocked. Everything starts shaking.
Grey: What did you do?!
Tucker: I... have no idea.
Everything fades to white. Cut to the research outpost, where Fed and New Republic soldiers watch the tower light up. The scene then cuts back to the armory, where Donut is still brandishing his new gun, this time at Simmons.
Donut: Down on yer knees, pilgrim!
Simmons: Donut, cut it out! ...wait, are you supposed to be a spy or a cowboy?
Donut’s gun suddenly activates and starts shooting on his own while he yelps in surprise.
Simmons: (ducking) Ahh! What the fuck! Oh my god!
Weapons and transportation grenades suddenly activate, causing Donut and Simmon's to scream in panic.
Simmons: Ahhhh, god why, what is happening!
The weapons soon stop firing. Simmons takes a couple of extra seconds of screaming to be sure. Lopez walks in.
Lopez: No voy a limpiar eso.[I’m not cleaning that up.]
Fade back in to Tucker and Grey. A huge array of alien weapons and vehicles are hovering in front of them. Sarge and Caboose come running up.
Sarge: What in the heck just happened? Where’d all those guns come from?
Tucker: Did you see that?
Sarge: Of course we did!
Caboose: Yeah! I mean... I mean, the view wasn’t that great but, um, yeah we got the gist of it.
Tucker: Told you!
A massive booming voice starts speaking an alien language.
Caboose: ...um. What.
Grey: It’s... alien.
Tucker: No shit!
The voice says something again.
Grey: Well, say something!
Tucker: Uh. What’s up?
A giant, alien, extremely dramatic sound. Everything shakes and there’s another flash of white light. A shot from back at the research outpost shows the tower darkening. The weapons disappear, and whatever just happened appears to have undone itself.
Sarge tackles Tucker and starts punching him while he’s down.
Sarge: When the voice! Of alien! Jesus! Calls down to you! You do not! Respond with ‘what’s up’! (Tucker groans)
Grey: Tucker. Do you have any idea what you just did?
Tucker: (getting up) Mm, I don’t know, suffered a concussion?
Grey: You just activated technology that’s been dormant for thousands of years.
A holographic map appears over the door, with a blinking light. near the center.
Grey: And now I think it wants you to go somewhere.
- The fact that Tucker's sword is the Great Weapon and a key is brought back in this episode.
- This is the first time since season 4 that the key aspect has been touched upon, and the first time since season 5 that the sword's greater purpose and/or importance has been brought up.
- The sword is also revealed to function as a key to more than just a gate to a ship.
- Sarge's tackling and pummeling of Tucker is reminiscent of how the first Alien also attacked Tucker after the latter activated the sword. Sarge's words can also be referenced to Ghostbusters, where Ray delivers an inadequate response just as Tucker does.
- The "do you ever wonder why we're here?" gag is referenced in this episode, performed by Caboose and Sarge, with a similar camera shot to its first appearance in Why Are We Here? and some Trocadero guitar chords to accompany it.
- When Dr. Grey asks her companions if they know the alien language, Tucker mentions that Church taught him a swear word. This is a reference to the "Shisno" gag.
- Tucker's Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow catchphrase returns in this episode.
- The "Tucker did it" gag returns in this episode.
- Caboose killing Church is referenced in this episode.
- It is revealed that the alien weapons on Chorus aren't broken, just inactive.
- Unlike the aliens from the Blood Gulch Chronicles, the aliens on Chorus do not appear to use the same language as them, particularly their "blargs" and "honks" when speaking.
- Tucker pretends to have a rematch with Felix. This can be implied when he says "So you want a rematch, huh?"
- Sarge uses Bugs Bunny's catchphrase "What's up, Doc?" when speaking to Dr. Grey.
- The geographic map of Chorus is seen towards the end of the episode, with a beacon activating at an unknown location.
- The alien text that Dr. Grey investigates is Forerunner, and when translated, says "DIDYOUDECODETHIS," "...ACTUALLYTOOKTIME," "TODOTHIS".