|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Vive la Resolution!"|
Vive la Resolution! is a special episode of Red vs. Blue where the teams each make New Year resolutions.
The Red and Blue teams try to come up with resolutions for the first annual "Blood Gulch Resolution-off" as the new year approaches The winners will be the team with the best resolutions; the losers will actually have to follow through with their resolutions. However, when the Blues realize they have a 256,000,000 to 0.98 chance of winning, they forget about their resolutions and attack the Reds anyway.
Fade in to the Reds running up to Sarge
Sarge: Alright ladies, huddle up. As you all know, the new year is fast approaching.
Donut: Yeah, I'm throwin' a Parisian-style New Year's Eve soirre, a la grand palace de Donut. I mean, du croissant.
Sarge: For the last time, Donut, just because you put a bidet in the latrine, that doesn't make the base your own personal French banquet hall!
Donut: Ah, come on Sarge, you remember the fun last year when Grif brought Champagne.
Simmons: No he didn't. Champagne comes from a specific region in France. Not by mixing 7Up and rubbing alcohol.
Grif: Excuse me, imitation 7Up? Name brands are for suckers.
Sarge: No more French talk. We're not surrendering again this year and that's final! We've agreed to participate in the first annual Blood Gulch Resolution-off, also known as the Resolvathon.
Grif: Sarge, I have no idea what you're talking about and I already think this is gonna end badly.
Sarge: We're competin' against the Blues to see who can come up with the best New Year's resolution.
Simmons: What does the winner get?
Sarge: Nothing. But the loser suffers a fate worse than death. They actually have to follow through on their resolution.
Grif: What? That defeats the entire purpose of making a New Year's resolution.
Simmons: Grif, that is the purpose.
Grif: Oh, I thought the purpose was to make yourself feel better about stuff you're never gonna do.
Sarge: This year, my resolution is to be more tolerant of other people's ideas and opinions.
Simmons: Great idea, Sir.
Sarge: Yes it is. And I'll kill anyone who doesn't agree.
Cut to Church talking.
Church: Okay guys, we gotta come up with some really great resolutions. I believe in you guys, you're all smart, and creative, aaand you have lots of different ideas. In fact, I think that this is the best team ever.
Cut to Tex, Tucker and Caboose who is facing backwards.
Caboose: Where is Church? I can hear him, but I can't see him.
Church: I know you guys can do it.
Caboose: I think I am invisible.
Tucker: Thanks man. Hey, wait a minute, what's your New Year's resolution?
Church: I have resolved to do a much better job motivating all of you retards. In fact I'll tell you what, if you can't come up with things that you need to change about yourself, I have compiled a list of areas that each of you can improve in. For some of you it's very long.
Tucker: I'm gonna show more respect to women. Chicks totally fall for all that sincerity crap.
Tex: I guess if I have to have a New Year's resolution, maybe I can try settling my differences with people, without resorting to violence.
Tucker: That's a great idea. You should try settling them by resorting to sex.
Tex: I was thinking diplomacy.
Tucker: Tex, it's "sex and violence." Who ever heard of "diplomacy and violence?" Go for the sex. I do.
Tucker: What? We still have a few more hours before the contest starts.
Tex: We do? Good.
Tex punches Tucker.
Tucker: Ow, son of a- woman, you just lost all my respect.
Church: Well, so much for both of those ideas. Hey Caboose, what's your resolution?
Caboose: I don't think we should be part of a revolution. I love my country, and I think we should support our troops!
Tucker: Caboose, we are our troops.
Church: (sighs loudly) dear God. I hope this year isn't as long as last year.
Cut back to Sarge.
Sarge: Okay, let's review. This year, Grif resolves to quit drinking, smoking, and overeating.
Grif: Fuck that, I'm no quitter!
Sarge: Also to die. Simmons will work on controlling his anger-
Simmons: God dammit I don't have an anger control issue!
Sarge: And Donut will stop talking like the French cartoon skunk Pepe la Pew during staff meetings.
Donut: (in a ridiculously bad French accent) Oui oui, my precious flower. Hum, huhua, hu hu huh huhuh, huh humhah, humwah, mwah, mwah.
Grif: What about you Sarge?
Sarge: Me? I'm resolving never to get caught by surprise in a battle situation. Of course that's hardly a challenge for me, as I can sense the enemy's movement, before they even know they've moved themselves.
A tank shell hits behind Sarge and bullets start flying
Sarge: Dick Clark's robot clone! We're being attacked! By surprise!
Church: Yeahah, suck it Reds!
Tucker: Yeah, take that! Take that!
Caboose: Yeah, it's New Year's Eve Revolutionizing time!
Tucker: Come get some disrespect, bitches!
Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing?
Church: Sheila calculated the odds of us winning the contest at two hundred and fifty six million to one. Actually to point nine eight, but we rounded off.
Tex: So since we're gonna lose anyway, we decided to make our own resolution: kicking your ass!
Fade to black
Caboose: Yeah! You've been auld lang synenized! You will now forget acquaintances, that you didn't know you were supposed to forget!
Sarge: Grif, quick! Do your best Frenchman impersonation while we leave you to die without dignity! I mean, while we get the base ready for the party!
Grif: I told you this would end badly. I picked the wrong day to quit smoking.
Church: Hahaha, better luck next year, ya dumbass.
Grif: And drinking. And eating ho-hos.
Donut: I sure hope this battle ends soon, I wanna get back to the base before midnight so I can watch the balls drop.
Tucker: There's only one ball in Times Square, Donut.
Donut: ...What's Times Square?
- Apparently, Donut doesn't actually know what Times Square is.