|Red vs. Blue Episode|
|"Where There's Smoke..."|
|Airdate||July 20, 2009|
- Holo-Grif (x3)
Fade in to Sarge and Simmons
Sarge: Why, hello! I'm Sarge from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
Simmons: And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show. Recently, the Red vs Blue production offices suffered a major fire that threatened to burn down an entire city block.
Sarge: Hurh. Allegedly.
Simmons: So our producers, and the Judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event.
Sarge: So today, we'll be presenting Red vs Blue's Fire Safety Tips.
Simmons: You may be asking yourself 'what is fire?' If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You probably also ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass.
Sarge: And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell when something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs: 1. Smoke. 2. Heat. 3. Fire. Things that're on fire typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway.
Simmons: So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire? We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno.
Sarge: Step One: Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires an oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob the flame of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out.
Simmons: This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic.
Scenario 1 - Caboose with a small fire
Caboose: I am somewhat concerned that they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie.
The fire goes out
Simmons: A medium size fire will need a moderate level of panic.
Scenario 2 - Caboose with a larger fire
Caboose: Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now that can't be good.
The fire goes out
Simmons: And for a five alarm situation-
Scenario 3 - Caboose surrounded by fire, and on fire
Caboose: I just watched a cable news channel! Everything is terrible!
The fire remains.
Simmons: Clearly not enough panic. In this case, I would recommend reading some radical political blogs as well. Try doing a search for the phrase 'Mayan Calendar.'
Sarge: In fact, one of the largest fires in American history was at an old girls' private school. But the flames were extinguished when that dude from Twilight showed up.
Simmons: Also you may have heard that where there's smoke, there's fire. But actually, smoke is where fire used to be. It indicates the absence of fire.
Sarge: So just remember in a fire, head directly for the smoke.
Simmons: Climb on the ceiling if you have to.
Sarge: Also, statistics show that 95% of all fire deaths happen in a building, while only 5% happen in a vehicle.
Simmons: So, if your home catches fire, just head to your garage and get in your car.
Caboose tries to outrun a fire by getting in his car
Caboose: That's hot, hot hot.
Simmons: Wait there for help.
Caboose: Ah, now this is much cooler.
Simmons: Statistically, you're far less likely to be injured.
Sarge: But what happens if you can't get up above the fire and into the smoke? Or, if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, 'What happens if I catch on fire?' This is a serious situation.
Simmons: We've set up these dummies to show what happens when a person catches fire.
Cut to four Grifs in a row
Grif: Wait a minute, I'm actually real.
Sarge: Shut up dummy.
Sarge throws a contact grenade and hits real Grif, lighting him on fire.
Grif: Ah-ha ha ha how!
Simmons: Fire is bad in high concentration, so you want to try to dilute it as quickly as possible. Try spreading the flames out by passing them to as many other people as you can.
Grif ignites the dummy Grifs and Caboose's car with Caboose in it
Caboose: Thank you! Fire safety is about sharing.
Grif: Owie owie owie!
Sarge: Just remember stop, drop and roll. Stop next to your friends, drop them with a swift fire punch, and then roll around on them.
Grif continues running around, setting more things on fire.
Grif: Put me out!
Simmons: This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly dissipating it.
The room becomes almost entirely engulfed in flames.
Sarge: Uh, Simmons, we may have a situation here.
Simmons: I think you're right Sir.
Sarge: Well, time to practice what we preach, Simmons. Let's get to panicking.
Simmons: On it, sir. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Sarge: Aoh! Aaaaa! Aaaah, aaaaah, a- hey, aaaaah, aaaaaah! That's a hotfoot.
- In Grifball: Expansion 3, the side screens of the UNSN newsroom features clips of this PSA.